So-Called Peace

My so-called peaceful weekend is drawing to a close.

Gotta make the best of today. I will spend tomorrow dealing with plumbers, bad news, and excessive expenditures. Then I go back to work on Wednesday.

In discussion with a plumber on Sunday he theorized it could be the water pump ( shitty, but somewhat manageable financially) or it could be the fucking well, which would be a motherfucking disaster. Anywhere from $2 million to $10 million.

I joke about bad luck or being punished, but obviously when you don't take life seriously for an extended period of time, life will go out of its way to fuck you over continuously and with extreme prejudice. Guilty as charged, your Honor.

I am doing battle with my brain. I want to enjoy today, but it's a struggle. I want to find a solution to my life but the odds against that happening are steep. So what do I do? 

And don't give me that one small step bullshit - I am 68 years old. There are no small steps left. Either I stop walking all together, give up and let life have its way with me - essentially sacrificing my essence to defeat, or I start leaping like a gazelle.

I am truly lost. Trying to be happy in the middle is a titanic struggle. The only soul-satisfying solution left to me is nothing more than a pipe dream; impossible odds, unrealistic to even consider.

So I'll soon be filling out applications at McDonald's. Kind of like Kevin Spacey in American Beauty. 

Beautiful day today, Sox play this afternoon, I got Dexter, I have my books and my poetry to protect me.

Doing cheeseburgers tonight as I continue the "grilling as survival mode" odyssey. Corona Light. Plastic utensils, paper plates, 14 gallons of water in reserve. I can get through today. Maybe even with a smile.

But tomorrow? Plumbers? Shit, man - me dealing with a plumber is like a lamb dealing with a lion. I don't stand a chance. It will be a miserable day, followed by what is guaranteed to be another miserable day. Maybe many if the well is the fucking problem.

I never wanted to be a homeowner. Never in a million years. Not my thing. I should have stuck to my guns.

Whaddya gonna do?