Therapy - The Beginning

Got my first therapy session coming up today at 1:00.

I'm sure you'll hear about it.

Zoomification. Initially I thought I would prefer to go face to face with a therapist as I bled the poison out of my soul. I now realize I prefer the zoom thing - I don't have to leave the house, don't have to wear a tux.

I am nervous, I am curious.

Nervous because it is relatively new territory. I don't know what to expect. 

I visited a therapist many years ago, but he ended up being a hack. I was assistant manager of a liquor store in Peterborough. I told him I hated the job because I am not manager material; I hate supervising others, I hate answering questions, I hate making decisions.

He asked "Do you have an opinion on how the store should be run?" I replied "Yes." He said "Then you are a manager."

That put an end to that relationship. Which is good, because I was in acting mode anyway.

I wonder if I will be able to overcome my well developed acting abilities and just be myself, be completely honest. I have spent my entire adult life pretending to be what I am not and I am very, very good at it. It is like breathing to me. It just happens.

I have to overcome that right from the start. Honesty will"cure" me. I have to bury the therapist in uncomfortable truths.

I am curious because I don't know what her approach will be.

What I want is for her to make me uncomfortable. Ask uncomfortable questions, lead me in uncomfortable directions. Call out my bullshit. Force me to confront myself.

She may have a different approach. A kindler, gentler approach. That's OK as long as it takes me to the same place.

Or she may surprise me. Unique angle, interesting perspective. I will go along with anything as long as I feel it is digging down to my pain.

Big day today.