The Concept Overwhelms

Found me a therapist crazy enough to take a chance on me.

She may rue the day.

Talked to her this morning, felt comfortable enough, gave her the go ahead. Got a bunch of paperwork I gotta fill out, mail back to her and the process begins shortly after that.

Hope is a strange thing. At least to me. 

The therapist was scheduled to call me at 8:30 this morning, so I made a cup of coffee and went out on the screened-in porch. Seemed like a peaceful way to begin to deal with my twisted psyche.

Had a pleasant 10 minutes digging a beautiful, peaceful, and quiet summmer morning, sipping on coffee, digging on the cats. The therapist called, we had a good talk, I was honest (Carol made me promise to be honest, knowing full well that I keep things inside). I am committed to the honesty thing, otherwise this will end up being an exercise in futility. I am fascinated to see how the therapist deals with my particular brand of honesty - marinated in poison, barbecued in my own special self-loathing sauce.

Got off the phone and felt instantaneously ebullient. Hopeful. The morning became even more beautiful, peaceful, and quiet. I decided to read out there, which I never do because the recliner is so seductive. I made another cup of coffee, went back out on the porch with a book, and just let myself be.

It felt so fucking good.

It is good to have hope. Maybe this person can help me. I hope so, I really need some hope. Could be a bust, maybe we won't connect. But I don't feel that, we had a pretty comfortable talk - she sounded sincere, not phony. 

You want honesty? She asked why I am seeking therapy. I told her I could give her a list, but I hit her with I have no self-confidence and I don't like myself. I said I could add to that but she said no, that's a pretty good place to start.

I'm off and running.

We'll start out talking once a week, online, and go from there. If it stays at once a week that is probably a good sign. If she increases it to 5 times a week, that could be a bad sign. We shall see.

Back to this hope thing. I have experienced little of it in my life. Especially recently. I got some now. I like the way I feel today. Some might call this feeling "happiness". I wouldn't know. But it beats the fuck out of despair.

If the first session goes well I will really feel good. I so want this to work. I so need this to work.

What kind of life could a Real Joe live?

The concept overwhelms me.