Life (Lurking)

Let's say you are a creative person.

That's it. That's who you are. That's all you got.

You are not practical, you are not reasonable, you are not a critical thinker. Every stimulus that comes your way gets filtered through the creative mind.

The creative mind is useless unless it is creating.

So how do you deal with life? You don't. So you are vulnerable.

What's the worst thing you can be in life? You guessed it - vulnerable. Every other human being on planet earth is a vulture, and every one of them senses weakness from a distance of 14,000 miles. And they pounce. With fanged teeth and a crooked smile.

Let's say your water goes out on the Saturday night of July 4th weekend. No running water. It will cost upwards of $400,000 to get a plumber out on that weekend, so you decide to wait.

Tuesday rolls around, you are entering Day Three of No Running Water. You begin to make the calls. It is 7 am, you have been up since 6.

The first plumber says "Shit, man - I am just getting back from vacation, I got a big job lined up, I don't think I can make it today and besides - I don't like you - you are a creative person so you are useless." But he recommends a well company. Helpful fellow.

Doubt immediately rears its ugly head. Do I need a plumber or do I need a well company? They are two different things and you have no clue how to decide which one you need. You call a second plumber. He's a jolly guy, says he can have someone out there between 10 and 12. You agree to the appointment. He hangs up laughing and says to his office help "We got a Creative!" They roll on the floor in mirth and merriment.

You call a well company because you are crippled with doubt. You want advice. You go back and forth, he convinces you it is a well problem, says he can get a guy out there around noon. You agree to the appointment. He leaves with a parting shot - go downstairs and shut off the breaker to the well pump.

Huh? Do I have a breaker to the well pump?

You call the second plumber back and cancel that appointment. The woman on the phone sounds disappointed - you feel bad, like maybe you ruined her whole week.

You head down to the basement with fear in your heart. The basement is the one area of the house you never visit, you fucking hate the basement. Only non-creatives visit basements.

What if the well pump breaker is not clearly marked? Will the house burn down?

You open the panel and look at the hand written map on the inside of the door. There is no designation for a well pump. Shit. You look over at the breakers and someone has hand written in with a black marker "well pump' next to one of them. Thank you Jesus (my buddy). You flip it. You go back upstairs.

Are you comfortable? Fuck no. You made a decision, but you don't know if it is the right one. What if the well guy comes out and says "You need a plumber." What if the plumber is now unavailable until December 18 of 2023?

You are sitting out on your porch at 8 am writing this shit down and hoping you don't fall through the floor. You hate Life - you fucking HATE life - because Life mocks you cruelly - all the time - and everyone else laughs about it. Right to your face. No empathy. None. Your soul is starving.

It is so fucking clear to you that you should have lived a creative life, whatever that means. Made creative decisions fully in line with who you truly are, instead of placating the monster you created. All the major decisions you made in your life were wrong, wrong relative to who you truly are, and now you are paying the price - Eternally.

You will never get out of this box. Never. Life doesn't work that way. Like a patient Venus flytrap, Life weaves its evil spell slowly, over decades as you continue to fuck up, as you crawl around like a bug on its leaves. Until one day the trap closes. It is too late. There is no escape. It is as if you have walked through the gates of Hell (which is another - and final - event looming in your life). You lose. Life wins.

You are looking forward to meeting the well guy.

You are sure you will have a pleasant conversation. You will be simpatico.

No?