I cranked out a couple of sit ups yesterday in the kitchen, and then elevated my bloated carcass up to walk into the room that houses the exercise bike. On the way I passed "the table and chairs." The same table and chairs that on Thanksgiving were inhabited by my family. With laughter and conversation. Yesterday they were empty and the house was silent.
It struck me how fleeting those moments are. Your life is 99% sweat, worry and toil, and 1% purity. And those short, sweet moments go by at a faster clip than normal time.
A day at work can seem like 137 hours. Eight hours with my family felt like 3 seconds.
Life is strange, people. Life is strange.
Today is a bonus day. It is Saturday and I do not have to work. Typically, low wage earners like myself do not get to enjoy such a luxury. I have tomorrow off as well. Two days in a row. Might as well be a month.
Today is Carol's birthday.
So before she arose I was sitting in the recliner, in quiet, thinking these thoughts.
I had big dreams for her birthday that our budget would not allow. I so deeply want to spend $1,000 on her, pamper her, buy her something extravagant. She deserves it.
I spent considerably less than $1,000, and I am not happy about the gifts I gave her.
As I sat there, though, a strange thing happened. I thought about the fact that I was sitting in an expensive, comfortable and well worn recliner with a sweet cat in my lap. Cup of coffee. Book. The house is warm. It is not snowing. The electric bill has been paid, there is food in the fridge and booze in the bar. The Mortgage Vampire has been held at bay for one more month. I have the freedom of two days. To be with my wife. To be with myself. To be myself.
Pretty good deal.
I am not satisfied. I am yearning and striving and trying to improve and change our lives. But until I get there, moments like these are valuable. It signals a sea change in my tiny brain that these thoughts can even roam freely up there. In the past I would destroy the day with regret over having only $1.98 to spend on birthday gifts for my wife of thirty three years. Instead I will accept my limitations THIS YEAR and vow to spoil her in 2012. Actually surprise is a better word than spoil. I want her eyes to light up like lightening in the sky next year. I want her mouth to form the word WOW without actually being able to say it.
The trick is to enjoy everything in between. Another lesson learned this year.
I am killing myself to improve, to change, to conceive, believe and achieve. I realized that I was so focused, so determined, that I was burning myself up. Missing things and torturing myself over not getting any signs at all that what I am doing will be rewarded.
There has to be a balance. Make the ch ch ch ch changes happen and dig what you have along the way.
Small movie called When A Man Loves A Woman. Carol and I have watched it 123,657 times. Meg Ryan is an alcoholic wife, Andy Garcia her long suffering husband. Watch it. It's cool. There's a scene at an AA meeting where Meg is talking about how she pushed her husband away and how she dreams about getting him back.
And she says, in part, "And I don't know if I'm going to get another chance, but I have to believe that I deserve one. Because we all do." She says it with tears in her eyes, and with enormous pain and loss and longing and hope in her voice. Knocks me out every time.
That's how I feel this year. This year was the beginning of my second chance. I have to believe that I deserve one. That's why I am so determined. I have traded regret for hope. The fascinating lesson I have learned is that I can miss "the now" just as easily when I am inspired by hope, as I did when I wallowed in regret.
As usual I have gotten off track talking about myself.
Carol and I have today and tomorrow. We have her birthday to celebrate. We will spend these days washing the dishes, going to the dump, going to a movie and probably not being able to afford a restaurant, watching THE PATS, enjoying a belly buster breakfast and delicious leftover turkey. A kiss and a hug here and there.
I want a lot more than that down the road, but I would be a fool to not enjoy this magical Saturday and this magical Sunday.
I have been an enormous fool before. But I am learning, baby. I am learning.
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