Wednesday, November 9, 2011

Where's The Beef?

I am feeling very human today. Fifty two days until the end of the year and I am wondering what all my effort this year has gotten me.
I can honestly say that I have never before in my life put so much effort into trying to make change. Change in me, change in our standard of living, change in my way of thinking. I'm am 57 years old. What a shame. Had I expended this much effort consistently over the last thirty five years I would be a god right now. Supremely happy and in total control of my life. But I cannot dwell on that. Because I know in my heart that I am doing the right things. When you feel it in your heart and mind and soul then you know you are on the right track.
Time mocks me and I worry about that. Too little too late? Since I don't know what the future holds I have to keep pushing, and I am OK with that.
Its entirely possible that when the clock strikes midnight on December 31 that I will have accomplished none of my goals. That would be very hard for me to swallow, but I have learned the pace of change is slow, especially when you are trying to reverse a lifetime of inertia. I have already begun to tell myself that at the very least I have laid the groundwork for success in 2012. I do not believe that all this effort has been wasted, I cannot believe that because if I do I will lose my mind. What's left of it.
The dedication has resulted in a fundamental change. I know I cannot go back to who I was. I get up almost every day at 6:00 a.m. On days when I don't have to be at work until two, on days when I don't have to be at work at all. I cram every moment with doing. Whether I am exercising, writing, doing chores or cooking, I am doing.
There were times I hated my professional life so deeply that when I had free time I would do nothing. If I was up before 10:00 a.m. I felt cheated. Sleeping was a way to avoid life. I felt I had to sit and read and drink and watch movies, be completely selfish and non-productive because the time I spent working was robbing me of my life, destroying the real me. I existed for a very long time in a state of shock because my life had become exactly what I did not want it to be.
Most days now if I am sitting in my recliner when Carol gets home from work I have probably only been there for fifteen minutes. Every time I finish one thing during the day I'm immediately thinking OK what can I do next.
This may not be revolutionary for some of you. I know many people who are productive. Its revolutionary for me and that's all I care about.
I would like some kind of sign before 2011 ends. Some reward, some encouragement. Its beginning to look like weight loss may be the only area where I succeed, although I don't take that for granted. I know I am one cheeseburger away from gaining thirteen pounds. If I do weigh 169 on 12/31, of course I will celebrate with a heaping plate of Fettuccine Alfredo, a bottle of wine, three glasses of whiskey and an entire pecan pie. Makes sense to me.
Socrates said "The unexamined life is not worth living." I believe that to be an ultimate truth. I thought I was examining my life for decades but what I was really doing was READING about examining my life and filtering the information through a lens of self loathing and whiskey anesthesia.
Lately I look in the mirror and actually see somebody in there. I have actually smiled at my own reflection and then stepped back in amazement at what is going on in my head. There have been thousands of moments when I stood in front of that same mirror and looked into angry eyes, eyes that radiated self hatred and disappointment, eyes that were so dark and frustrated and lost that it twisted my guts. Imagine looking at your own reflection and being intimidated by the venom that is reflected there.
I am examining my life in 2011. Under a microscope and I am looking for answers. I am initiating change and following up on it and I want to see where I land.
I deserve this. I have beat myself up mercilessly forever. I don't want that anymore.
Peace of mind, baby - I want peace of mind.

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