Friday, May 18, 2012

Searching For Depth

I checked out for a couple of days.
I'm checking back in.
When I don't purge in this blog for more than one day I become invisible.
I am driven to write.
Can't help missing one day once in a while. Life moves too fast. Too much going on. But two or three  days without writing kill me. My body swells up like the Goodyear blimp with all the backed up thoughts.
Driving to work this morning practicing the "being here now" routine. I was thinking - I am fat. I am broke. I am trapped as a part time clerk. I don't write enough. I can't sell my writing.
And brilliant sunshine was passing me by. Caught myself and started to dig my surroundings.
Instantaneous relief. Mental and physical. Anxiety went away. My body became calm.
It lasted two minutes.
Then I was back to what the hell am I going to do? How do I get out of this? How do I make more money? How do I break free?
Lewis Black says we all have ADD. I agree. I know I do. If I can't stay focused on something that brings me peace, then I must have ADD.
Been a strange week. Things have happened to me that broiled my brain into action.
Searching for depth.
Had another job taken away from me by the NHSLC. Against my better judgement, I allowed myself to hope, which allowed them to take that away from me. I applied for a position that was posted. Two and 1/2 weeks later they called me up to tell me they filled the position. I never even got to interview for it. I could go on my usual rant about how unfair this is, how these people are immoral, and it would be true, but I'm taking another approach.
This is the corporate climate in America today. Everything is stacked against the employee; they are treated unfairly, taken advantage of and lied to. Wouldn't matter where I went. It would be the same.
I will say the NHSLC is heavily weighted towards the scum encrusted side, closer to being the worst of the worst than the best of the worst, but this is our world.
So I'm searching for depth.
Looking to dig deeper within myself to find a way to deal with this.
Had another incident this week that shook me; it added fuel to the fire of my desire.
I cannot win by whining. I cannot win by hiding.
I'm looking to add a new dimension to my existence.
I'm capable of it. I have to stop sabotaging myself.
Last year I gave birth to hope.
I have spent almost five full months of 2012 stabbing it in the heart.
I want to write better stuff in these pages. I want more thought, more incite, more intelligence, less whining.
This will not be easy because I am one emotional Italian, and a lot of the good stuff I write comes from pure emotion. But I go over the top a lot and defeat my abilities, distort and dilute my message.
Writing words that people can connect with is good. Writing words looking for sympathy is a waste of time.
I want to think more deeply. I believe I am capable of this, even with my severely whiskey diminished brain capacity.
I am searching for depth in my life.
It's too easy to live superficially. I'm 58. I no longer have time for that.
I couldn't stay "in the now" on the ride into work because my brain was working over all these concepts. Evaluating them, wondering how to make them happen.
In a way that I could believe.
You have to be ready for change. When you are, you feel it.
This week shook me up. My brain has opened and is begging for new input. New approaches, new thinking, new information.
I think I am ready to make a change.
I know I need it.
I have been banging my head against the wall with this job search. I have been banging my head against the wall with personal weakness.
My head is warped and has become quite frightening to children.
I have to start banging it in a new direction. Smooth out some of the lumps.
Very dangerous to put these words down on the written page. I am laying myself out there for comparison. Comparison against myself. Opening myself up to ridicule.
But I really don't care. This blog is about my mind, my heart, my soul, my life.
It's honest. At least as honest as a human can be.
Searching for depth.

No comments:

Post a Comment