Monday, November 19, 2012

Fictional Thoughts In A Fictional Head

I'm just trying to figure it all out. I mean, how to be, how to act. How to survive.

It always comes down to anger. I think you have to be angry all the time to survive. Anger triggers the force field necessary to deflect the sharp words of others.

It is natural to want to trust. To open yourself up, to strip away the protective shield. It's called being human. You can get away with this for periods of time, if you are lucky, and then suddenly someone will make a comment dripping with criticism and accusation. Someone you allowed yourself to get comfortable with. At home, at work, on the bus, on the moon, in the park, at the movies, in a bar.

The truth is you cannot trust anyone. You must always be angry and on your guard, you must always assume that not one person on the planet gets you at all. And that when pushed they will not hesitate to inflict pain. Often enough, even when not pushed.

Anger is motivation. Anger is self defense. Because when you are angry you forget about being nice, you can't be conscious of other people's feelings if you are angry and this is important because when you are conscious of other people's feelings you leave your own exposed.

And BAM the hammer drops, the knife slices, the words hurt.

It takes an enormous amount of energy to remain angry all the time because it is not natural. That's the problem. Angry is what we have evolved into in response to this disappointing life we lead.

Maybe if life was a balanced equation there would be more humanity. But the cliche is that life is unfair and that is an absolute truth. It is unfair in consequence, there is no relation between effort and result. It is unfair in the need for empathy that gets murdered by the survival instinct in others.

You can never allow yourself to get comfortable. Not with your life, not with your job and especially not with other people. Comfort equals vulnerability.

We are born alone, we die alone, we live our lives alone. Alone is not lonely. There is a difference. Alone is life, it is what you are in your soul, that part of you that others will never know. And that part of others that you will never know. You cannot be more alone than that. To have something that no one will ever understand.

That is not a bad thing. It is what makes us all unique. But it is also what explodes the myth that you can trust other people, look to them for support or empathy. Ultimately, at that level, it is impossible for anyone to connect. That inability leads to separation. You are alone.

When you come down to what really matters, come down to that thing that will ensure your survival, you are ultimately alone. You have to make those moves, those decisions based on who is in your soul and screw what everyone else wants, expects, needs or believes.

For some maybe the anger is a result of having to concentrate on self defense all the time. Maybe after years of living in the fetal position, an anger boils up like poison and overwhelms the bloodstream. It becomes natural at some point.

Others have to learn to be angry, how to use it as a weapon, a means of survival. This becomes awkward and unnatural and inevitably you slip up and leave yourself open. And there is always somebody waiting for that opportunity. And the knife slips in.

Get yourself a bag of pecans and some bananas. Pecans and bananas are high energy food. Maintain that diet to maintain your anger.

And good luck with your life.

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