There's a local radio station that plays Christmas music 24/7 at this time of year.
I dialed it up this morning for the first time in the 2012 Christmas season. Fortunately I was rewarded with a soul inspiring song. I don't remember which one it was - that was eleven hours ago - eleven pretty physical hours ago - but it worked out just fine.
I don't like the cutesy Christmas songs - Frosty The Snowman and stuff like that - those are for kids. I like the deeply moving and emotional songs, the ones that tap directly into the true Christmas spirit. The ones that make your soul soar.
I kind of figured out where my head is at this year by my gut reaction to the song. It was immediate and it was powerful - emotional beyond belief. It was like a waterfall of feelings rushing out behind a crumbling dam.
I was surprised.
I know what I want from Christmas this year. I know what I need.
It has nothing to do with presents and wrapping paper. Which is good because I SUCK at wrapping presents. I'll throw the gift in the middle of the paper and turn all the corners up and tape them up horrifically. And if I don't have enough paper I'll cut another piece and stretch it across the gap. I don't give a damn what the present looks like as long as it is covered up.
I need Christmas this year. I just need Christmas. I want the tree up, I want to look at the lights, I want to send cards, I want to get cards, I want to dig into a couple of Christmas celebrations, I want to be with my family.
What I want most is The Feeling. I want to sit in front of the tree on a quiet night with a civilized whiskey and feel warmth and hope and love and gratitude and promise and contentment. I want to feel what everybody should feel on Christmas.
Beauty. Peace. Goddamn it, this time of year is crammed with reasons to believe and to celebrate and to feel good. Thanksgiving. Christmas. New Year's Eve. New Year's Day. All jammed into a short period of time.
Intensity is supreme. Intensity is backlash against the daily grind. Maybe it would be easier to have these special days spread more evenly across the year but maybe that would take away from the impact.
I thought I would depress myself through Christmas and beyond, but now I am thinking I am going to grab onto the spirit of the deal. The real spirit. The soul nourishing spirit.
I don't understand Christmas shopping. I never have. I never understood it each and every goddamn time we did it. Every year we would go out and do the duty and stress out over how much we were spending and worrying about how the hell we were going to pay for it. I firmly believe that the majority of people who shop like lemmings cannot afford it. They don't think about it. They feel they just have to do it. It makes no sense and distorts the whole concept of Christmas into sick perversion.
I'm looking for a little relief form Christmas this year. A little magic. I have been pushing myself pretty hard and punishing myself for perceived failure. I just want to feel a little gentleness.
I'd like to get into downtown Concord and walk in the cold and look at the lights and brush past the harried shoppers and maybe grab a buffalo wing or a distinguished cocktail. Look into my wife's green eyes and see the hope for better things in 2013.
I want balm for my soul. And your soul. And everybody's soul.
I am one of those ridiculously sensitive souls who hurts when other people hurt. And there are a LOT of hurting people in this world. I see them, I talk to them every single day.
Tomorrow is December 1, 2012. I have been listening to Christmas songs as I wrote this. I am ending it while listening to Happy Xmas ( War Is Over) by Mr. John Lennon and Ms. Yoko Ono. This is the ultimate Christmas song because it contrasts the feeling of a happy Christmas with the reality of life. It throws a spotlight on the injustice in the world and it promotes the very healthy idea of taking a look at your life, recognizing that another year is over and asking yourself what have you done?
What have you done?
But it still captures the wonder of Christmas.
I have 24 days ahead of me until Christmas morning wakes me to sweet celebration. 31 until 2013.
This is a meaningful time of year and I am going to use it to celebrate me and my wife and my family, to look into my soul and dig out the poison and swim in the beauty.
I have beauty in me. You do and everyone around you does. Take a breath this month and find it. Wield it like a weapon but do it gently. Use it to cut through your own misconceptions to get to the real you. Recognize your life for what it is and emphasize the good stuff. Try to forget the hard parts for now. Maybe you can work some magic.
There is a vibe, a good vibe at this time of year if you can avoid the malls. If you can vibrate your own essence and bring it up to meet the true vibe, the honest vibe of what this time of year is really about, you may bring about an epiphany. An epiphany of your own soul which we all dearly need more than any of the petty things we stress about every day.
Happy Christmas Yoko. Happy Christmas John.