Sunday, November 18, 2012

My Brain (Nice To Meet You)

As I continue to expand my brain, I continue to meet myself.

I promise a lot of things in here that I never follow up on. Intention is an evil word.

But I said that I was committed to feeding my brain and I have stuck to that. I have been studying and reading and focusing in an attempt to make up for lost time. And lost life. And to have more interesting things to write about than poor, pathetic me. And to inspire me to write better.

What makes the difference in this case is that I feel results. I use the word feel purposefully. I have awakened my brain and I feel physically different. I am challenging myself.

I feel particularly powerful on mornings after nights when I study and write a lot. I wake up with a feeling of accomplishment, as opposed to the typical toxic cocktail of dread and regret and worry.

I have no idea where this will lead, and make absolutely no promises, I invite no intentions. I do know that something is going on in my brain and in my body that my essence is comfortable with.

And that, my friends, is the key.

When you can vibrate mind and body in tune with the vibration of your soul, you are alive.

At work my brain SCREAMS "what am I doing here? Why am I wasting my life for cretins who will never reward me? Why am I undercutting my own potential?"

When Carol's hands violently fold over another unexpected bill that we cannot afford and another uncomfortable silence settles over the night, my brain SCREAMS "whose life is this? Why are you allowing yourself to live this way? My God, what have I done?"

But all of a sudden I have discovered an approach that silences the screams.

When you honestly poke around your own brain, you learn things about yourself. As I read complicated theories and thought processes and take the time to dig down through them, I surprise myself at what I can learn and understand. I am also surprised at the questions that arise in my head as a result.

It's called thinking.

As I take a look around, I see dark corners. Dark as in absence of light and dark as in mode of thought. These corners have always been there. Some I like, some are absolutely a part of me and I don't want to lose them. Those dark corners are what separate me from mindlessly optimistic people whose vapid smiles find their origin in an absence of facts.

There are also dark corners there that offend, corners that are draped in cobwebs and disease, corners that are warped and misinformed and unhealthy. Corners that are formed from life experiences improperly interpreted.

I want to clean those out.

The exciting thing is that I am discovering corners there that I did not know existed. This is what I mean about meeting myself.

I am 58 years old and just getting acquainted with parts of me that have lain dormant forever, just waiting for a spark. They may have been unnaturally shut down or maybe just passed over or ignored until the time was right for ignition.

I don't know, but I do know that I am getting dangerously close to making promises or formulating intentions.

So I will leave you alone with your Sunday. May it be peaceful and soul nourishing.

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