Proof Of Evolution

Earlier I spoke of how I am evolving in pieces. How I know change is happening because I feel the change inside.

I am now going to torture you with proof.

Typically our Old Orchard Beach weekend fills me with as much anxiety as it does joy.

I hate to leave the cats. Its really hard for me to say goodbye and I usually obsess about them for the first half hour of the ride. Even though I know my magnificent son Keith will visit them on Saturday and break up their loneliness. I also tend to think of them many times during the weekend with worry in my heart.

On Friday just before we left I got down on my knees and kissed both of them on the head and explained quite carefully that we would be back before they knew it.

There was no worry in my heart. None. I was at peace and I knew they would be all right.

I enjoyed the ride in laughter and conversation and I thought of them over the weekend with a smile.

I typically obsess over time during the weekend, worrying about how fast it is going by and thinking about how quickly I will be returned to drudgery. I poison the fun with worry.

Not this weekend. I went with the flow. I let the weekend wash over me naturally, I didn't push anything or worry about anything and I felt my soul throb alive as I did it.

I enjoyed everything so much more.

I am usually suicidal on Sunday morning. Feeling like "reality" is right around the corner and I will not be able to handle it.

Not this year. I felt content. I felt that the weekend had worked its magic and that I was open and receptive enough to get maximum benefit from that.

These seem like small things to you. You say: "Joe, just how limited is your intelligence?"

Doesn't matter what you think. These are huge changes in me. These changes improved my enjoyment of the weekend immeasurably. And I knew I would feel this way well in advance of the weekend.

Because I am changing and I know I am changing.

I feel it.

"There's something going on here and you don't know what it is, do you, Mr. Jones?"

There is change going on in me and I don't know what it is. I can't put a finger on it, can't name it or label it.

But I do know it is positive change and that it is softening my life.

I feel pretty good about that.