That's A Bold Statement

Just made a bold move.

I just flipped my calender to September.

From May. Yeah, the calender in this room has been sitting on May and I don't know why. Not sure what has been going through my head but it has definitely been a raspberry swirl.

Maybe denial. Maybe trying to hold back time.

I flipped the calender on September 1. The day you are supposed to flip the calender.

There is something going on here.

I did it without angst. Normally September 1 is a time for intense depression for me. The beginning of another 10 months of raw, unforgiving New England winter.

When I landed the job in February one of my first thoughts was "we are in for an excellent summer". We would have money, we would do things.

We did nothing. I worked too much, I whined too much, I beat myself up too much.

Summer is now dead. It is officially dead.

I know this because the cats have been spending a lot of time in my lap over the last two weeks. The weather may have been warm but they know, they know in their bones that it is lap time.

Given the fact that we pissed another summer away, you would expect me to be suicidal.

I am not.

Because I am undergoing change on a molecular level. I know it. I feel it.

I hunger for a nuclear explosion of change within me but I am beginning to realize it may never happen.

I evolve in pieces, little by little. Changes that others may not be aware of but that are loudly evident to me.

I am beginning to realize that I evolve piece by piece and these pieces are starting to add up.

In the past few weeks I feel another change worming its way into my heart and into my soul. It is an absolute fucking fact.

2005 marked the starting point. The Bartending Dream. It has been 8 years and I have been through the meat grinder.

I have experienced more change in my life over these last 8 years than I did in the previous 142.

I tended bar at the legion for a good chunk of it, I tended bar in an inn, I worked for a food distribution company, I became a part time employee of the NH State Liquor Commission, now I am assistant manager of a NH state liquor store.

Lots of change, lots of pain, lots of confusion.

Lots of internal evolvement as a result.

A few times during this period I felt as I feel now. That something was going on. Something inside my head was changing forever.

It is a good feeling for me because I could not go on the way I have gone on for the last 142 years.

I would rather die.

I turned the calender today after a three month hiatus from calender flipping. I turned the calender to mark the beginning of ten cruel months.

And I feel good. I feel confidant. I feel change.

I may get the feel for this thing called life after all these years.

Maybe that's how it works.