FAILURE

The strangest thing happens on the days I have to go to work.

I walk out the door, look up at the sky (against my will) and see this word in big, black, block letters: FAILURE.

I always react without thinking "No, there is still time."

My reaction is met with deep, rumbling laughter. Every single time. Who is laughing?

The first time it happened I was stunned to the core. What the fuck is this? I was not looking up, I always walk with head down, for obvious reasons. But the letters were huge and impossible to ignore. They invaded my vision. They were insistent.

I was immediately defensive - "No, there is still time". No thought, no timelag between awareness and response. A wrenching gut reaction.

Followed by deep, rumbling laughter.

I was shaken, almost catatonic, but, of course, I made my way to work. I have to.

I try to ignore it now. It hurts. I know it's coming. 

I can't ignore it. On the days I have to go to work.

FAILURE.

"No, there is still time."

Deep, rumbling, laughter.

Recently I have noticed diminishing conviction in my response.