So Fucking Obedient

Know what I am doing today?

Going to work. First time since April 6. First time since knee surgery.

I'm doing 4 hours as a field experiment. See how the knee reacts.

I don't want to. I have no interest in doing it. I'm still on crutches. I could care less if I never go back to work ever again. The knee still hurts and it feels squishy.

For fun, I visted Dr. Dentist for 2 hours yesterday to do the crown thing. First time out of the house since surgery. What a wonderful break. It did not fuck up the knee so I decided to test it out at work today.

For Carol. Not for me.

I have a palpable sense that if I don't go back to work, Carol will have a heart attack. I am one of those ultra-successful guys who doesn't get paid if he doesn't go to work. No cushy salaried job for me, no.

Menial, hourly wages. A role in life I am proud to have attained.

I view paying the bills as a concept. Something to rebel against. Carol takes it much more seriously. And she is right.

She pays the bills and manages our money superbly.

And she worries.

We are vulnerable old people. One nasty disease or natural disaster away from a ruined life. 

This is the biggest problem with marriage. You are responsible for someone else's life. You impact someone else's life.

I want to quit. Just fucking quit. I could live on mac 'n cheese, spam, cheap beer - but not cheap whiskey. I can never give up my beloved Crown Royal. But the point is, I wanted a beautiful life, but I got backwoods NH. So fuck it. I want out. I do not want to work another day in my life.

I can't do that. It would hurt Carol. I owe her. So I will go back to work today. Then cobble out some kind of patchwork schedule that suits the condition of my knee.

"Gonna go where the weather suits my clothes." Not me. Gotta work where the workload suits my knee.

Pretty much sums up how badly I have fucked up.

Today, I am obedient.