Inflection Point

I am at an inflection point.

2022 has been weighing me down to the point where I have been walking hunched over with my forehead touching the ground.

Right to the fucking breaking point.

Wednesday was my last day of work before surgery. Thursday was an off day, Friday was knee-hacking day. I was scheduled to work a show on Wednesday night. No reason not to work it.

I couldn't fucking do it. A co-worker stepped up for me.

Consternation has been building. It is the classic human dilemma of making what appears to be the right decision and then paying a price for it. I changed jobs, the people I work with are great, I love them, the atmosphere is much looser, which suits me fine.

When I worked for the City, every fucking thing was regimented. If I had to take a shit, I had to sign my name and "time-out" on the Bathroom Break Log. I was allowed 15 minutes. If I signed back in after 17 minutes I had to fill out a 3-page Explanation of Excessive Bathroom Use questionnaire. If my explanation was considered insufficient, they docked me 30 minutes pay. And paddled my behind, which I rather enjoyed. 

Anyway.................

The problem with the new job is my schedule is a red rubber ball. It bounces all over the place. At one location, when I work a show, I typically get home around 9 or 10 pm. At the other location it is more like 11 or 12.

Fucks me up big time. I end up staying up until 1, 2, or 3 o'clock. My eating pattern is fucked up (I end up eating a slice or two of pizza at midnight), my sleeping pattern is fucked up. I can't get a handle on it. It's killing me.

And on the day of a show I get so many calls from brainless customers asking stupid questions that my brain breaks. I cringe every time the phone rings. And there are lots of details to tend to. It's a long, fucking, annoying day.

I am burning out already. And I don't want to go back.

I told my boss I'd be back to work on Monday, but there is no way I am ever going to make that with this fucking knee. I am shooting for Wednesday now.

Problem is I have a lot of respect for my boss; he is a sharp guy who is considerate and filled with empathy. He cares. He went out of his way to hire me back and to get maximum pay for me in that environment. So I can't let him down. But I gotta work something out.

I am breaking into little pieces.

The real problem is that I spend my life running away from things that break me instead of running towards things that fulfill me. 

Bouncing from one menial job to another, slapping a smile on my face while acid eats my innards.

Not a recipe for success.

Or happiness.

I am weary to the bone. Weary of life and weary of my life.

In a fucked up way this knee thing could be the pause that refreshes. A mentally and physically jarring episode, followed by disruption of routine, and time and space to think.

That's how the mind is expanded and solutions arrived at, no?