Self-Reflection: Part One

My brain is reeling today.

Spent Easter at Eddie's joint with Keith, Craig & Amanda. I see these gatherings as living works of art - like a supremely talented artist is creating something that is unique and precious and invaluable. I never know when it will happen again. Or if it will happen again.

I decided to poison the proceedings with a vicious outburst.

I attacked Lizzo. I was trying to make a point about the wimpiness of the liberal point of view, but I got vicious and brutal and evil in my description of her. I have been thinking about it ever since.

I want to chalk it up to my opinion of myself right now. I am extraordinarily fat. I am embarrassed. The way I described her is the way I feel about myself.

I want to chalk it up to my knee. I have been in pain since April 8. Non-stop. Pain takes a toll.

I want to chalk it up to exhaustion. I have not slept well since April 8. Sleeplessness takes a toll.

I want to chalk it up to the miserable failure of my life, that I have to work a menial job at the age of 68 despite the pain, the embarrassment and the fatigue.

I want to chalk it up to the alcohol I consumed.

All bullshit.

I think deep down I am a vicious, cold-hearted prick.

This might seem at odds with the empathetic, emotional, liberal-minded image I present to the world. But two conflicting points of view or realities can exist side by side in a human being. That's what makes us so indefinable.

I came across as an idiot yesterday. In front of my family. The one audience in the entire world whose respect I crave. Later on in the proceedings, relative to another topic, I was banging on the table like a fucking lunatic.

I have an enormous amount of anger in me in 2022.

Adults are supposed to control their anger, to find solutions to diffuse the frustration.

I am not an adult.

Never have been, am not now. I am an embarrassment.

I need to become an adult. Soon.

It's the only way I can earn the respect of my family, beyond the fact of just being a father.