Father's Day

I was more comfortable around my family on Father's Day than I have been for a very long time.

It was a beautiful, peaceful, comfortable day.

I have been exposing disturbing truths about myself, but not really expecting anything to come from it. But I am beginning to think that I am releasing pressure, that these harsh internal looks are freeing something up inside me.

I guess you gotta be ready to accept shit like that.

Anyway, I am always uncomfortable around my family. Around anyone, really. Always. Self-conscious. Wondering how I am coming across. What do I sound like. What reality am I projecting. Can I successfully plaster over unhappiness with a show of confidence and good humor?

I did not feel that way last Sunday. Amazing feeling. I came pretty damn close to just being myself. The ultimate benefit was that I could enjoy my family in a genuine way, instead of through a smoke screen of self-doubt and endless interpretation.

The power of that situation was mind blowing to me.

My family is magic. Everybody says that about their families, some are delusional, some speak the truth, but for me there is no doubt. I get feedback. Mutual acquaintences compliment me on my sons, and on the women they love.

I don't have to say anything. I just sit back and enjoy the feeling of pride in my soul.

But there is often a gulf between that pride, and the reality of my disturbed mind in the presence of my family. That gulf did not exist on Sunday. Their love traveled directly to my heart, and mine to theirs.

Holy shit, is this the way it is supposed to work?

Powerful, peaceful and life-affirming.

Gotta get me some more of that.