You Will Thank Me For It

Here's why New England fucking sucks.

It steals your joy.

You spend five months out of every year suffering in misery, on your fucking knees, bleeding from the ears, through cold and ice and snow until "you end up like a dog that's been beat too much, 'til you spend half your life just coverin' up" - (thank you, Bruuuuuuce). And then it's May.

But it comes with a catch. It gives you 70 degree days and Beauty, it gives you 50 degree days and regret.

I am sitting up here in my sanctuary with a fucking heater on. It's June 2. And this is not the first time. I spent multiple days up here in May with the fucking heater on.

All you jerkoffs who say "I just love New England, I just love the change of seasons" are delusional. There is no change of seasons. You get WINTER, and other stuff, with WINTER days sprinkled in.

The lie of Spring, Summer and Fall is false hope - you pray for warm weather - you get it, but only in fits and spurts. The next thing you know you have fallen on your ass in the driveway as you scrape ice off of your windshield.

New England is a vicious and cruel area of the country to live in. I hereby decree that all New England residents be relocated to warm climates - I am talking about truly warm climates - where you can actually live a life in ease and peace. Then drop a nuclear bomb obliterating the six states, so no life can ever "flourish" here again.

You will thank me for it.