Triples Tennis

I need a plan for post-fatness.

I have to get dignified (I can't say skinny because I will never again be skinny. Unless........) I will not be a FAT FUCK at Craig and Amanda's wedding. I have until October.

I want to take up tennis again when the knee is "healed". But not just any kind of tennis. Triples Tennis.

I have to reinvent the game. Even doubles tennis would be too strenuous for me at this stage of my life.

I petitioned the ITF - International Tennis Federation, for permission to invent Triples Tennis. The ITF is the world governing body for the sport of tennis. I used to play tennis. They have to take me seriously. Don't they?

I got a response on letterhead that had a picture of Moe, Larry and Curly up top. The response was short and sweet.

"As the world governing body for the sport of tennis, we cannot seriously consider adding Triples Tennis to our roster, although we appreciate your devotion to the game and your innovative attempt at modernizing it to appeal to elderly fans like yourself.

However, we do not want to turn our backs on you as an avid fan. We are offering you an opportunity to keep Rafa's balls clean at every tournament he competes in from now on, beginning with Wimbledon on Monday, June 27.

We have enclosed a self-addressed stamped envelope to accomodate your timely response."

I am not quite sure how to interpret that response or the letterhead, but I feel like, perhaps, I am beginning to earn the respect I have always craved.