FOUR DAYS (Apocalypse Now)

Here I go again.

I got fucked out of my fourth day off during the Memorial Day weekend; that ain't gonna happen this weekend.

Saturday, Sunday, Monday, Tuesday. Four glorious days. Holy days, really. I gotta get my brain right.

All I gotta do is survive tomorrow. No easy feat. 7 hours of intense boredon - SEVEN - punctuated by the occasional phone call or visit from some moron customer. Christ! This is no fucking joke. 7 hours in the box office is exquisite torture. Acid in the eyes, amputated limbs, bloodletting. Jesus fucking Christ - I am such a chump for putting myself in this position.

Going to a concert with Eddie on Saturday. I am not looking forward to the long ride to and fro and the late night, but once I am there I know I will enjoy it. Tedeschi-Trucks Band. And it will be good to spend some time with my brother.

But I am focused on Sunday, Monday and Tuesday. I have to quiet the turbulence. Release some of the pain, regain some mental discipline. Right now I get out of bed every day like a drunken fucking sailor, rocking and reeling back and forth and up and down - righteous anger, depression, fear - you know, all that positive shit.

I HAVE to break out of this cycle.

In part, I need to get back to the things I was doing last year to focus my diseased brain, to train it, engage it, discipline it. I think I'll take a whack at that. 

I need to squeeze some fun throughout the four day respite - I NEED fun, I need to look away from anxiety and worry and despair.

I need a plan. An escape route. I need answers. But I'm not a plan guy or a budget guy or a rules and regulations guy. So I need to come up with a plan for coming up with a plan.

Hmmmm, sounds like dissembling, to me.

Peace is the most important gift I can give myself over the weekend. I am burning up inside with anger and frustration and hatred. I need peace. I need peace.

Gotta get a little health shit going on. I feel so shitty, so tired, so fat, so unhealthy. I am doing some of that right now, a little exercise here and there - hopefully I can ramp that up over the weekend.

So, yeah, I am talking about The Apocalypse this weekend. A big, fucking deal. I fucking need this even more than the last time I fucking needed it. Which has probably been every fucking four day weekend of my life. But this time..........................yeah this time IS a big fucking deal.

I need some peace. I gotta have it. And I need HOPE. Something I can set my sights on, something to nourish and sustain me as life fights to drain me.