When I Get To Thinking

When I get to thinking.............

I cringe.

I think about what I don't have and what I should have done.

I think about the pain inflicted on others, 

the enormous pain inflicted on myself.

I wonder why this is the life I chose.

I reflect upon the things I should never have done;

and wonder why I repeated them.

Some people learn from their mistakes. I am not one of them.

I wield my mistakes as a vicious blade, meant to cut, 

to maim, to punish.

Pain overwhelms, but I run towards it time and time again.

Never thinking that a quick sidestep or reflective thought 

might stop the bleeding.

Thoughts of salvation lie dormant in my mind.

Numb. Beaten into submission.

When I get to thinking................

I cringe.