The Knee (April 8)

Wow, man - this thing turned into a thing.

Who knew? Certainly not me.

Fucking surgeon made it sound like not a big deal up front. Maybe it isn't for some people; most people? I don't fucking know.

All I know is that today is June 2 and I am still in pain with a knee that still stiffens up. I am riding an exercise bike at the lowest level of stress, I am doing a bunch of exercises daily, icing it up multiple times daily, I have made a lot of progress in the last two weeks BUT it still fucking hurts, it is still delicate, it is still uncomfortable.

I still take the crutches with me when I leave the house because I never know when the knee will flare up and say "Hey, dickhead - I am in charge, not you - you will bow to me and do as I dictate."

I'll be walking along feeling good, feeling hopeful and then suddenly there is a twinge - a painful twinge - that truly distubs me. And I'm back on crutches.

I think the people at work think I am faking it. I think everybody thinks I am faking it.

I don't fucking care any more about anyone in any way. Fuck them. I know how I feel, I know what I am dealing with. Fuck them and all their friends and relatives and antecedents.

Carol had lunch with a friend of ours a week or two ago. Her husband was there at the time. Carol was talking about my knee woes. Turns out he went through exactly the same thing - same type of surgery - same long, painful recovery. He eventually had knee replacement surgery on that knee. And the recovery from that went easier than the meniscus tear surgery.

Feels like I am on the same path. Had I fucking known, I would have jumped right to knee replacement surgery. The surgeon did not suggest it, it never even came up. I did a lot of research in advance but only on meniscus tear surgery. I did not even think about knee replacement.

Lesson fucking learned.

I dicked around with Dr. Surgeon until I was convinced I was getting nowhere. Then I set up an appointment for a second opinion with another hospital.

They confirmed it last week. For June 13. Fucking June 13.

So I am still dealing with this fucking thing. Haven't exercised since the middle of January. I feel shitty; tired, out of breath, weak, vulnerable.

Fuck it.

What are you gonna do?

I had a friend who used to say that odd numbered years were good years for him, even numbered years were bad.

Maybe 2023 will be my year.