And Another...................

Gotta go to work tomorrow.

I despise that I have to do that. Fucking despise it. I am grinding my teeth, my innards are flipped upside down and I am filling up with self-loathing.

Yeah, I hate that I am 68 and still working. What a fucking joke. Menial jobs hounding me to the grave.

But I also despise who I am at work. That has a lot to do with my anger. The fucking alter-ego I slip into to survive.

I have no control over it. I've been doing it for so long that not doing it is a lot harder. So I listen to myself and look at myself and think "Jesus fucking Christ, who is this fucking pantywaist? This phony fucking "nice" guy?" I so want to vomit. 

This guy who won't speak his mind and be himself.

I am even a different person with different people. I tailor my act to the person and the situation. How fucking sick is that?

When I am out in public there are a hundred different "me's" - and none of them is me.

Again, uncomfortable at home, uncomfortable at work.

I cannot believe my body has not just melted away. 

I remember watching a movie about a guy who abused himself with alcohol and drugs. He got sick, the doc checked him out and said "You may be 25 years old on the outside, but you got the insides of a 90 year old man."

That's how I feel. And not because of booze and drugs. I got the insides of a 90 year old man because of pretending. Play-acting. Fighting against my own true nature. 

It takes a fucking toll.