Unfuckingbelievable

I have been having very dark thoughts over the last month, month and a half.

The danger is that the thoughts are truth.

Been climbing into my brain, taking a real close look at what I think when I am alone in silence. It is not pretty. I am not pretty.

I present an inconsistent image to the world. The inconsistency is a result of the conflict between the act I perform every day and the real me. But what I have recently realized is that the real me is deeper and darker than I allowed myself to believe.

I used to think the real me was crazy Joe, iconoclast Joe, creative Joe, buried under a lifetime of negative shit beginning on January 1, 1954. 

During the pregnancy my mother used to think "Please expel this evil thing from my body so I can get my figure back and get on with my life" (I could read her mind). When I was born, my father grabbed me by the ankles and threw me in the trash saying "Get the fuck out of here, you pointy-headed motherfucker." The doctor pulled me out and told my father "You can go to jail, or you can raise this sorry excuse for a human being." My father chose to imprison me and enjoy his own freedom.

Anyway, crazy Joe, iconoclast Joe, creative Joe - not the problem, not the source of the conflict. Vicious Joe, cold-hearted Joe, selfish Joe, misanthrope Joe - that's the fucking problem. I am so far removed from the decent guy image I project, that my mind can't handle it.

There is a constant roiling and broiling going on in my brain. A battle. I squirm, I writhe. Exhaustion reigns supreme because a human is just not designed to live with cognitive dissonance of this intensity.

So what do I do with this reality?

I have to run away. In order to fully explore and express my dark reality I have to live amongst strangers (preferably in a warm climate). My family, my friends, could not handle the monster within.

I can't run away. As Kevin Kline said, playing Harold Cooper in The Big Chill - "I'm dug in."

I'm dug in. Dug in to the false personality I have created, dug in to the false life that false personality resulted in. If I bared my soul at this point, my family would reject me. Perhaps rightfully so.

It is absolutely fascinating how much pain and confusion a human being can inflict on oneself. Life's cruelty is not enough? You gotta torture yourself from within?

Unfuckingbelievable.