Another Harsh Look

You may have noticed that I am taking a pretty harsh look at myself lately.

A brutally honest look. I think I am trying to purge - purge this bullshit faux person from my system - this person who fakes it and still doesn't make it - to make room for Real Me to be born. Without a pointed head.

Try this on for size.

I am uncomfortable in my own house because I am consumed by guilt. Uncomfortable around my own wife. Because I know I did not hold up my end of the bargain.

Think about that - uncomfortable at home, uncomfortable at work - when the fuck am I comfortable - when I'm taking a shit?

This grates on my nerves like you can't believe. It wears me down. Wears me out.

If Carol took me to court and sued me for Bait & Switch, she would win - psychologically but not financially - I got nothing, baby. Nothing. My personal net worth is 12 cents.

She married me thinking she grabbed a guy with a future, but I pissed it all away. If I performed up to my potential we would both be retired right now, living a very nice life. And our life leading up to this moment would have been a lot more comfortable.

75 mph. That's why I idle at 75 mph. Because I am consumed by guilt at all times, fueling anger, and I can't dig myself out of the hole - at least up to now.

I know who I am, I know who I should be. The gulf between those two realities crushes me.

And Carol pays in every way imaginable. The financial repercussions are obvious, but the emotional shit is omnipresent.

My mood can change in a heartbeat, and I guarantee you there are many, many times when Carol has no fucking clue what just happened.

You think I put too much pressure on myself to earn Proud money? That's why I do it - because my underachievement has punished Carol, and I can't stand to be in front of her with guilt just dripping off of me - as I do nothing to solve the situation.

Especially because she has always gone above and beyond. She gave everything to this marriage and more - she carried this family on her back, and kept this marriage going when she should have divorced me many times over - or even killed me - justifiable homocide, baby.

No idea where this is going. Can't believe I am still alive with all the ground glass I have consumed.