Recognition of Infancy

There is a local fuel company that dedicates a few hours on one day every year to re-fill the propane tanks of the poor.

It is a very cool thing to do. They charge $10, which is less than half of what it normally takes if you do the swap at the local grocery store.

That day was yesterday. There was quite a long line, but it was a tasteful summer day, so why not?

By the time we got out of there my knee was bothering me. We were supposed to pop over to the grocery store but I was not into it. I made that clear in a whiny, selfish way. A tone of voice driven by anger and self-pity.

Back up one frame - Carol carried the fucking propane tanks around to free my knee - propane tanks are heavy - especially after they are filled up.

I felt emasculated. Grudgingly grateful.

What a selfish jerk, huh? Carol works so hard to take care of me and to negotiate her way around my unpredictable moods. She keeps a positive attitude always. Always.

Carol carried the tanks into the house and turned around to go back out to fetch vital groceries, like Corona Light and cold cuts.

While she was gone I thought deeply about what a fucking baby I am.

When she got home, I apologized to her. I never apologize. Never apologize, never explain. Remember?

I told her I was sorry for the way I treated her, that I had treated her like shit, that I was being a baby, and that I would do better.

Carol being Carol, she said she hadn't picked up on that at all, that she didn't feel I had treated her like shit.

But I knew that I had. I know she doesn't deserve that, and I know she deserves all of my respect.

Always.