Middle Is Nowhere

"Clowns to the left of me, jokers to the right.........

here I am stuck in the middle with you."

Took a week off from work, it did nothing for my knee. So I am going back to work today in total defeat. The knee still hurts, I didn't win the lottery.

Why not? I wasn't earning any money staying home, and my brain began to believe I was retired.

Very dangerous.

I can hurt the knee here, I can hurt the knee there - what fucking difference does it make?

I am waiting to hear from Dartmouth-Hitchcock about getting a second opinion. I set the wheels in motion on Monday. Things move slowly in the medical world.

Spoke to the surgeon who sliced me up, he told me "there are plenty of people here who can give you a second opinion."

That's like a sleazy used car salesman offering to sell me another car after the first one got towed back to the lot with a blown transmission 1 day after I bought it.

So I am in between medical expertise. I exercise, I ice, I rest, I work, I wait.

I have begun submitting writing to a copy writing website. Actually I have submitted one assignment so far. I am desperate to craft an escape clause from the shackles of being an "employee". I gotta get the fuck out of what I am into. I'm dying here. It's a life sentence from which I get no time off for good behavior.

The pay sucks. So low I am too embarassed to even tell you about it. Theoretically, as you prove yourself, you get better assignments and better pay. We'll see. It's boring and mindless. But then, every job I have ever had has been boring and mindless. Except for when I was a urine taster.

Seems a shame to use my one true talent in such an embarrassing endeavor. But what are you gonna do?

My brain continues to roil and broil. It just won't leave me alone. Continually providing evidence of the monster within and challenging me to reconcile him with the easy going fool who faces the public.

Strange days indeed.

I am in the middle with medical care. I am in the middle with employment. I am in the middle with my own fucked up self.

And I'm stuck in the middle with you.