You Only Get Away With Life.......................

Dan Vitale died. He was 66.

He was a comedian. A comedian who apparently had a big impact on Marc Maron. Yesterday, on his podcast, Marc replayed a conversation he had with Dan from 2014.

Marc opens each podcast with remarks; things he is thinking about, things that happened to him, thoughts about this cesspool world etc. In this case he talks about who Dan Vitale was, what their relationship was, he talks about death.

A lot of what he said resonates with me. He said that so many people have died recently you start to think that death is all over. I feel like death is coming at me like raindrops. Truth is it's always all over. 

"Everybody dies, people, and you never know when it will happen." Two cliches (truths) rolled into one. But if you think about it, they are somber words that define your life in black and white. No escaping these truths. They are etched in granite.

He said "You only get away with life for so long." That is the comment that got to me. I love the way he worded that.

That's what I've been doing for all of my adult existence. Getting away with life. I am not living it. I am merely getting away with it. I don't really deserve to be alive, given the enormity of my underachieving, but here I am.

I am not getting away with life in any sneaky, successful way; I am not enjoying life in a way that is way out of proportion to what I deserve. I just keep plodding along, making repetitive mistakes, moving forward without really moving forward.

Getting away with life.

Marc defined Dan Vitale as having "explosive sensitivity." These are the people who suffer and then die unfulfilled. There is no room for sensitive people in this world.

Dan struggled on stage because comedy was important to him and he was determined to get it right; he struggled on stage because he was a sensitive guy with a lot of issues who had the guts to just put himself out there. That is my definition of a heroic struggle.

The rest of us put a phony smile on our faces, go to work and talk about the weather. That's cowardice. 

Can you imagine taking all of your insecurities and problems and fears and exposing them on stage to a room full of people? Many of whom do not give a shit about your insecurities and problems and fears.

I struggle for ways to understand who I am. To explain myself. Sometimes in my own words. Sometimes in the words of others.

In this case its Marc Maron's words. "You only get away with life for so long." Thanks, man.

Requiescat in pace, Dan Vitale. I am so sorry that your life was so dificult.

In the words of Darby Brigham Rosenfeld, daughter of Tom Brigham, a friend of mine who died on January 14th: 

"May you find the peace and freedom that was always just out of reach."