Conquering Hero

I'm trapped like a motherfucking rat.

I am locked in a cage that fucking Harry Houdini could not get out of.

I went back to work. A week off did very little for the joy of my fucking knee. I thought I would go back to work like The Conquering Hero - no pain, no crutches. Not to be. Actually I hoped for some supernatural occurrence to save me from going back to work at all. Didn't happen. Jesus let me down once again.

I went back to work because I have to go back to work. No choice. The two most evil words in the English language.

Who am I?

I sat there, in that chair, answering that phone, and wondered "What the everloving fuck did I "do" with my life? Jesus Fucking Christ - how did I get here?

Oh, yeah - I keep forgetting - I did it to myself.

Dealing with so many customers that I just want to strangle. Strangle unto death while I look directly into their bulging eyes while reciting my mantra - "You are a self-centered pain in the ass. I am not your servant."

Monday I called Dr. Surgeon's office and left a message that I want his referral to get a second opinion on the knee. I called back on Tuesday, because I never got a call back - left a nasty message on the fucking voicemail. No humans work there.

Dr. Surgeon called back later on Tuesday. Said he would be happy to provide a referral, although "he thought my recovery was coming along fine." Got a call later that day from someone in his office telling me my records had been transferred to Dartmouth-Hithcock. She gave me a phone number to call.

I never heard back from anyone. Finally on Friday I called Dartmouth-Hitchcock. They have no record of receiving my records from Concord Hospital. None. I called Concord Hospital, spoke to a human who immediately transferred me to Medical Records before I could even get the entire sentence out of my mouth.

Voicemail. I left a fucking message at 11:30 Friday morning. Went to work. They never called back.

I am filing a grievance this weekend with Concord Hospital. Then I am going to amputate my leg.

I am truly fucked up. Never before in the history of my life has the carrot and the stick been so liberally applied to torture me, since the beginning of 2022.

Trapped in a menial job that rips my guts out. No escape. Trapped with a painful knee that is not healing, at least not fast enough for me. Trapped with an uncooperative hospital who evidently has decided I am their enemy, irregardless of my health. I am morbidly obese, which does not help the healing. Or my self-image.

Are you fucking serious? This is who I am? This is where I am?

I am not done. I will fight the hospital, I will fight the weight gain, I will fight to free myself from the oppressive burden of employment.

I know it is fashionable to defer to those who have much bigger issues to deal with than me. "Could be worse."

True. And it probably will get worse. I don't envision a good end for my life.

But am I not allowed to air my grievances? There are undeserving pricks who are living a lot better than me. 

Shouldn't they suffer?