In The Beginning

Read a post on a knee replacement facebook page that really hit home.

The woman was saying that she wants her life back, that rehabbing the knee is her whole life, that summer is being stolen from her.

That's how I feel.

In the beginning I felt good banging away, trying to make progress. Proud of what I was accomplishing. Four weeks in, every fucking day is the same. I exercise three times a day, which takes 3 hours out of my day - half an hour to exercise, 20 minutes to ice, 10 minutes to calm down.

Exercising takes A LOT out of me.

I fall asleep during the day. Because I am getting 3 hours of "sleep" at night, and 2 hours of dozing. Every fucking night.

I have only left the house 3 times since July 31. For fucking physical therapy.

I have to eat lightly during the day because I can't exercise with food in my belly, and each exercise session comes around quickly.

Rehabbing this knee is dominating my life. There is nothing else. It affects everything.

Yesterday my therapist almost killed me. Put me on the exercise bike at a different setting than it was on the last time. I tried to do a full rotation immediately and came very close to screaming in pain. I did yell a bit, not loudly, but enough to be heard. It really hurt. I was stuck in mid pedal and had to get her to help me out of it.

It fucking sucked.

I actually like this therapist, but she tried to expalin away the pain by saying "Remember, when you feel pain, it does not mean you are hurting the new knee - you can't hurt it." That did not make me feel any better. I wasn't thinking about the new knee - I was focused on the fucking pain. Period.

I exercised twice yesterday instead of three times. I exercised twice today instead of three times. This is the first time I have done this. I just couldn't handle it.

I'm feeling really down today.

And to you  who ask "Then why did you do this?" I exhausted every option. Knee replacement ultimately was the only thing I had left. The problem is, no matter how much you read up about it in advance, you cannot prepare for the reality of rehab. Hardest thing I have ever done in my life.

And that's saying a lot. I was a fucking accountant for over 20 years, for Christ sake.

Rehabbing this knee is my whole life, and it will be for many more weeks.

I want my life back.