Strange Things

Strange things happen to me. All the time. Practically every fucking day. What is it about me that draws this attention? I'm a nice guy, everybody loves me - don't they?

I walked into Walmart the other day to buy a caulking gun, when this old guy walked up to me with a baseball bat and bashed the shit out of my head. I was in the perfect place, cutting through the outdoor amusements section, standing next to a trampline that was standing on edge. The old guy would take a swing, my head would bounce off the trampoline, right back into the path of his bat. He kept saying "How's that feel, asshole" before each swing. I didn't even know the guy. What the hell is going on?

This happened five times in rapid succession until I collapsed to the ground. An employee found me 15 minutes later. I looked up through the blood flowing down from the side of my head. She said "Didn't you work here a couple of months ago?" I mumbled something incoherent. She said "I thought so. Get the fuck out of here" and walked away.

45 minutes later I finally crawled through the front door, scraped across the parking lot, and managed to haul myself into the back seat of my car, where I spent the next two days.

I woke up hungry.

So I went to a 99 restaurant, a warm and friendly place. I slumped into a booth, but when the waitress showed up she said "You can't sit in a booth by yourself, for Christ sake - I'm moving you to a table." I followed her silently, only because of the beatdown, and the fact that I had not eaten for two days.

After 25 minutes a waiter came by and asked "Well, what do you want?" I said I could sure use a beer. He said "You look drunk already, I'm not serving you a beer - you'll have a Pepsi." Then "What do you want to eat?"

I said I could sure use a steak. He said "You don't look like you can afford a steak - I'm bringing a hot dog."

I ate quickly - I did not feel welcome. When I went to pay the check I realized I lost my wallet during the beatdown. The waiter said "You're fucking kidding me, right?" Then he wrapped me in a bearhug and dragged me into the kitchen. It fucking hurt. He told the kitchen manager I was his new temporary dishwasher.

He made me wash dishes for two hours, with no fucking gloves. My hands were badly burned. Then he dragged me through the restaurant as people pointed and laughed. He pushed me out the door and kicked me in the ass.

Once again, I dragged myself to my car and crawled into the back seat.

I'm sure tomorrow will be better.