5:46 a.m.

I do not know why I am sitting here at 5:46 a.m. talking to you.
Actually I do. The wife's alarm goes off at 5:30. I usually roll over for another hour or so with the cats, and then drag my ass out of bed.
But I knew I wasn't going back to sleep this morning.
Turbulence.
I have created a lot of turbulence in the last two years of my life. And turbulence brings consequences.
This has been positive turbulence. Turbulence of change.
Typically I am a negative turbulence guy. Lashing out in anger against my life - consistently - for decades - screwing things up and brewing things up reacting in the worst possible way to make my life even worse.
2011 and 2012 have been different. Exercising like a fiend. Shedding one job, taking on a job that I hoped to give me hope. Finding out my employers are very definitely not in the hope business. Fighting back and deciding what to do. Huge mind changes - studying, examining, thinking, evolving. Writing about 60 trillion words, flexing my creative muscle and discovering my worth in that area. Becoming the greatest chef in the Western hemisphere. Recently cutting down alcohol consumption by 90%.
That is my personal resume over the last two years.
I'm proud that I can muster up the energy to fight back at my ripe old age. To change. Because change is not easy. That's why bar stools all over America are decorated with no vacancy signs.
The brain is constantly engaged and sometimes I cannot mute it. I have created so many vibes that they are pinging around the universe at an astonishing rate and at an astonishing volume.
When you TRY as hard as I have, you set wheels in motion. And when you pile change on top of change it multiplies and grows and morphs into a living breathing thing.
Something has to happen.
If I stop right now and retreat into the nearest neutral corner, something will still happen. I can't stop it.
But I am not looking for a neutral corner. I am going to get bigger and better and fight harder and push until The Big Joe Bang.
I am not naive.
The Big Joe Bang could be the most negative thing that has ever happened to me. Life is not so easy and not so fair. The vibes might converge to crush me. Nobody wants me to succeed but me.
The Big Joe Bang could be the sweetest reward I have ever tasted. This is what I seek.
Either way it is going to be big. I am not going to slither into the grave as Caspar Milquetoast.
With all its ups and downs, my life has still been too even, too predictable, too consistently disappointing.
So there you have it. I keep pushing and listening. Hearing nothing, I push some more.
So I'm sitting here at 6:08 a.m. thinking about everything I have done and mulling over more that I can do.
I haven't even brushed my teeth yet.
Lucky for you computers don't have smell-o-sensor.
Ciao, baby.