Before You Go back To School

Back to school commercials should be banned from TV. I took fifteen minutes to eat and saw three back to school commercials during Olympic breaks. Women's indoor volleyball. A sport I heartily endorse.
Brazilian women are gorgeous, Russian women are frightening.
When I was a kid, summertime was sweet release and nerve settling peace. I hated school. When I was young and innocent I spent a huge part of my summer on the second floor porch overlooking Winthrop street, reading. Reading, reading, reading. Trips to the library were sacred. Reading on the porch was sacred.
When I was young and not so innocent I spent a huge part of my summer drinking beer, smoking pot and making out. But I still found time to read because it is who I am, it is what I do. As much as I dug getting loaded, I enjoyed reading above all else. Still do.
The point is my peace was shattered every summer with the "before you go back to school go to Zayre" jingle. I DESPISED that commercial. It destroyed the fragile peace I devised for myself.
And the funny thing is I am sitting here at the age of 58 still getting pissed off at the back to school commercials.
They are cruel.
Since commercials are the lifeblood of TV, what I'd really like to see is Kid Control. Parents have the power to prevent their children from watching shows depending on how they are rated. Parents can set the TV to block all shows that are not PG rated, for instance. There is even a device that recognizes "Foul Language" and mutes the TV instantaneously. That amazes me.
If my mother had that capability there would have been silent breaks during The Beverly Hillbillies.
Kids deserve Kid Control. The power to set the TV to block all back to school commercials.
Those commercials are probably the source of more mental illness in this country than anything else. Kids tortured half way through every summer with the impending prospect of suffering in Mrs. Gargoyle's class. "I heard she has a birthmark on her face that looks like Freddy Krueger and that when she gets really mad at you it drips blood on your head."
Someday a mass murderer will admit that his killing spree was triggered by walking into a nostalgia shop playing the Zayre torture jingle. In fact I think Jason Bourne could be broken by being forced to listen to an endless loop of that damn song while tied to an elementary school desk.
These commercials will always be a harbinger of the end of summer to me and I know that even when I am 98 I will throw my Tweety Bird slipper at the TV while shouting "Shut that f***ing thing off."
But it's not all about me. I really do feel for kids who are enjoying a sweet break from life, something that will disappear permanently soon enough, and are assaulted by cruel commercialism reminding them of bells and homework and rules and warped teachers pretending to be well adjusted child guides.

For all you future psychos:

"Before you go back to school go to Zayre
You can learn the ABC's of savings there
For less than you realize
Everything from clothes to school supplies
Before you go back to school go to Zayre"