Bittersweet

I don't pay much attention to the word bittersweet because it is overused.
Last night I realized that it is an excellent adjective.
Had dinner with an old friend. One of The Magic Five. I have five solid friends that I would trust with my life (one of whom is my brother, which takes the whole thing to another level).
I met Dave in 1977 when the wife and I were taking dance lessons in preparation for our wedding. At least that's when I think I met him. Could be wrong. But that's how I remember it.
So we have been friends for 35 years.
Dance lessons were a tip off to the kind of guy he is. He took them seriously and he excelled at it. He excels at everything. He throws himself into everything he does and is never half assed about it.
He can build anything, fix anything, and is an automotive expert. He is intelligent and above all else he is decisive. And confidant. He cannot be defeated.
He is in complete control of his life.
He gave me a taste of freedom back then by teaching me how to ride a motorcycle.
We were very close for many years, then Carol and I moved to NH and the friendship slowed down. But it is still deep, it is still significant.
We get together from time to time for dinner and pick up right where we left off.
He retired last month. He is fifty six years old. Was a firefighter for thirty two years.
He is living well and deserves it. He earned everything he has, earned the right to enjoy life as a free man.
As we compared notes it was almost comical how differently our lives have unfolded.
Anxiety mixes with pleasure as I drive to meet him.
He is a living blueprint for how to live a life. For success.
I am a living blueprint for confusion.
When I talk about how The New Hampshire State Liquor Commission has boldly and openly screwed me, it sounds pathetic. When I talk about how the bar tending dream died, it sounds pathetic. When I talk about my financial struggles, it sounds pathetic.
It is like I am a boy sitting across from a man.
The killer last night was that the conversations have been going like this ever since we started meeting for dinner. And now he has retired. It was like an exclamation point, a warning shot, there was a finality to it that brilliantly illuminated just how much time I have wasted and just how little time I have left to right the ship.
We were together for two and a half hours last night and the conversation never stopped. We laughed a lot.
My mind bubbled and struggled on the ride home. He is a class act and never makes me feel judged. In fact I would bet anything that he doesn't look down on me or consider me a loser. He picked up the tab, which always bothers me, but it didn't last night. Other people will say "I'll get that" and it makes me feel small. Dave looked me in the eye and asked if I would be offended if he picked up the tab.
As I said, he is a class act.
But as an intelligent man and a concerned friend he has to wonder where I went wrong. Knowing that makes me uncomfortable.
I so want to impress him with achievement, I want to tell him something positive that will make him smile as only a true friend can smile when he knows in his heart that his friend has arrived, has figured it all out, has taken control of his life.
I feel empty today. Absolutely hollow.
Timing, in life, can intensify reality.
In the last two weeks it was made painfully obvious that I am at another dead end job-wise. Forced to decide once again what the hell I should do. That knowledge has been festering in my brain and combined with the image of my retired friend last night to hollow me out.
But I am still trying. That's the best I can say. I am still trying.
I cannot give up.
It is a bonus in life to have a friend who can inspire you. Inspiration is a precious commodity.
Dave is such a friend.
It was a good night. It was a summer night. It was beer and sandwiches and conversation. It was easy driving with my windows down and my hair flying.
It was a night spent with a friend in complete trust. No agendas, no holding back, no lies, no phoniness.
Like oxygen.
On top of everything else he gives me, he gives me that.
I love the man and respect him enormously.
Pretty cool to have a friend like that in my life.