A Crucial Destination

Saturday, Sunday, Monday & Tuesday.

12/24, 12/25, 12/26, 12/27. Four days with Christmas sandwiched in the middle.

All play and no work.

12/28 - motherfucking hell. The job is the biggest thing I gotta deal with in 2023. By far. It overrides every other concern I have about my life - because it is fucking killing me.

In four days I cultivated peace and started the ball rolling in a positive direction. Turmoil subsided. I felt myself coming around. One half-day at work - 3 and 1/2 hours - and I was furious. Psychotically disposed.

Got home and poured myself some whiskey (which I don't do anymore) to jerk me back to reality. Survived about an hour and a half, then fell asleep for 2 and 1/2 hours. 

I am in a very strange place. I am so fucking exhausted that one drink puts me to sleep when I sit in the recliner. I fucking hate it. If people are around I can stay awake because I am stimulated. Alone in my recliner - I am Rip Van Fucking Winkle.

Editor's Note: I have an appointment in February with the sleep study arm of the Concord Hospital. Hopefully they can help me out. But if their answer is CPAP, they will have to kiss my ass. Man was not meant to sleep with a scold's bridle on his face.

This shitty little part-time job is a neon sign flashing in my eyes - eyelids surgically removed by Satan - screaming "Fucking Loser! Idiot! Fool!" I cannot handle sitting in that fucking chair, bored out of my mind - KILLING FUCKING TIME at the almost age of 69 - SIXTY NINE -  dealing with the occasional brainless customer asking stupid fucking questions. Working a third grader's job instead of enjoying retirement.

This rattrap of a house will not save me. I gotta do it myself. And fast. Every moment I spend in that office or, worse, working a show - is a lifetime of egregious torture. My death gets 10 hours closer for every hour I work.

Pain is a great motivator. Trouble is I've been killing pain since 1969. Now the pain is right in my face - no escape - and it demands resolution.

Oh my god Jesus Christ Holy Shit What the Fuck - How did my life come to this????????????????????

Doesn't matter.

I choose pleasure over pain in 2023. Just gotta get there.

Anybody got directions?