All That Bile

Shit, man, we gobbled up 2022 didn't we?

Whoooosh, it fucking blew right by. It's fucking December 1 and what have you done?

The drum is beating, the clock is ticking.

Year after year after year rolling on by, your life is jetting past at faster miles an hour and you are fucking bewildered. I am 68 years old. Fucking ridiculous. 

Last year at this time I was strong in body and mind - I was fucking confident - positive - 2022 was going to be my year. I was going to show my true colors, get happy, lift us out of abject poverty and take my rightful place amongst the titans of the world. I exercised my brain and tricked myself into seeing visions of success.

I forgot to account for reality.

Here I am at the end of 2022 staring down 2023 and I am weak in body and mind. No confidence at all. 

Christ, I am so fat the neighborhood kids knock me down, climb on top of my bloated body and log roll me to the bottom of the hill. I have no energy - zero - I am tired all the time - I hate my fucking job so much it is more painful than an ice pick in my ear. And I shit all over customers - I absolutely cannot believe no one has filed a complaint. It's kinda fun to see how far I can push it.

Carol had a $1200 repair bill for her car yesterday. One more fucking reminder that we got nothing - our life could fall apart in a heart beat.

Looking ahead, there is no way - no fucking way - we will survive on social security and Carol's retirement money in the longterm. That is a pipe dream. So is the concept that selling this rattrap will buy my retirement. I am fooling myself because I have to fool myself. It might buy me a break, but not for long.

I have to make money - serious money - not the chump change I get now. I know this. I fucking know this in my soul without argument or contradiction. I fucking hate where I am in my life but it is my fucking fault. Period.

If I don't figure something out, our life will end in disaster. Guaranteed. It's all on me, baby.

One other guarantee - I will not end up depending on my sons to support us or to wipe my ass. Never. I guess you could call that motivation.

The only thing I really got going for me right now is a soul-deep fuck you attitude. I am talking major FUCK YOU vibes.

I am royally pissed off, and tired of my damn self. Tired of everything. Bone fucking tired. Tired of all the stupid, meaningless shit I have to deal with in my life. And the stupid, meaningless, selfish people.

I started cutting communication way back, but I gotta get real fucking serious about it. Talking to a co-worker about how Christmas is going to get a little weird this year. No response - zero - no empathy - zero. Instead this person went on to talk only about selfish shit that I absolutely do not care about.

From now on you get no information volunteered from me. Ask a question - you get one word answers. Fuck all y'all.

Wow - all that bile inspired by a date - December 1.

2022 is narrowing down to a pencil point.

A pencil point sharp enough to pierce your heart.