I have created a new emotion.
I want to come up with a word for it, but I am struggling with that. It might have to be hyphenated. Like joyful-despair.
This emotion is prototypically me and is unsettling. I cannot experience happiness without that happiness being immediately destroyed by sadness.
Here's how it works.
It always happens when I am alone, watching a movie or reading a book. Or just thinking. I am watching a movie and there is a scene where people experience happiness, which sparks a happy response in me. Or I am reading a book and happiness happens, which sparks a happy response in me. Or I think about someone's happiness, which sparks a happy response in me. This is a natural response, it is what humans do.
What happens next is not what humans do.
I feel happy, but the happiness immediately fades to sadness, sometimes to the point of resulting in tears. It is the strangest feeling, it is powerful and painful - but it happens all the time. I don't like it. I don't like it at all.
The reason it happens is that my brain does not believe I will ever be happy. And apparently, my heart and my soul follow suit.
That thought actually crosses my mind every time, literally pops into my mind - I am feeling happy, I get instantaneously sad and I think "I will never be that happy."
The sadness happens before the thought; that is what disturbs me. The emotion outpaces the thought. Unhappiness is so ingrained in me that sadness is a natural response to happiness. I don't have to think about it, I cannot control it, it overwhelms me. Every fucking time.
Unhappiness runs so deep in me that it is me. I hate that my mind believes I will never truly be happy.
I have dug a deep hole for myself.
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