As My Arteries Explode

Things are getting a little shaky around here.

A little hinky. I should say that I am getting a little shaky.

Sixteen days left in 2022. My mind is screaming in agony.

Anxiety is tangible as the clock ticks, and it increases day by day. I can feel it and it does not feel good.

I hate 2022 and I will not mourn its passing. But I gotta find hope in 2023, inspiration, and I need it now. Kind of like Liam Neeson in Love Actually - "We need Kate and we need Leo and we need them now!"

I need hope, I need a plan of attack, and I need it now! I cannot drift into 2023 as a lame continuation of 2022.

That would destroy me.

I have ideas, I know what I need on the most basic of levels, but I have not revved up the engine yet. 

I am so tired ("I can't stop my brain, you know it's three weeks, I'm going insane, you know I'd give you everything I got for a little peace of mind - I'm So Tired - The Beatles), my mind is choking on indecision and disappointment, I just can't fucking function. Tomorrow I will stick a finger in a light socket and rejuvenate as fire shoots out of my eyes. That's a promise.

So there's that.

Then there is work.

I am functioning at a low level; it is hard to be efficient when I want to kill every customer I talk to on the phone and every one that walks in the door.

Fucking gift cards at this time of year. Processing the online cards sucks and never fucking works. I fucked one up yesterday afternoon and completely lost it. My mind fucking shut down. I was white hot angry and unable to function.

I slammed the phone down, stared straight ahead for a minute or two, then stood up, walked away, grabbed my jacket and walked out of the building. To my car. Took a ride. Around 3 in the afternoon.

This is not considered to be exemplary behavior for a part time indentured servant.

Came back later, sat down like nothing happened and poured another bucket of shit over my head. Nobody said anything. Lucky I work in a permissive atmosphere or I would be contacting the unemployment office today.

I take about 19 blood pressure pills and my blood pressure is still 199/180.

Or something quite like it.