Fierce Inspiration

I wanted to blow my goddamn brains out last night.

Day One. Back at The Asylum.

It wasn't even a bad day. In fact it was a good day by Asylum standards. Relatively quiet, very little manic activity.

I managed to maintain my calm, which was a large victory. After 10 days of peace, love and understanding I was calm for the ride in. Bogeying to Big Bad Voodoo Daddy.

I stayed relatively calm. I even did a lot more lifting than I planned on doing and it did not wreck my neck, which is a very good sign.

But my mind was screaming, just shrieking in disbelief that I was back in that hell hole again.

I am applying for jobs, I am taking large personal positive steps to get my life in my hands, I am working hard on the oily, twisted, labyrinth that is my mind.

I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that things will change.

None of that could soothe me.

All that my mind knew was that I was back in the snake pit and nothing had changed. The ease with which I fell back into it was nauseating.

Same conversations, same routines, same bullshit.

Apparently my mind will not be convinced that I have made a commitment until I am staring at four new walls.

At one point I was out back, just me and the new guy, receiving the load that had been delivered that morning. As I checked stuff in, I watched him mark a box to indicate where it would be going and I had a surreal moment.

I watched him writing on the box, almost in slow motion, and my brain said: "This is your life. Writing on the sides of boxes in a warehouse."

I will say this one more time with conviction. My life will change. I am going to make it change. Very soon.

You don't believe me and I don't blame you. I have written words of bold inspiration, blinding insight, wild-ass hope and iron clad commitment many times in here over the years and failed every time.

This time it is different. Of course, I am the only one who can know that.

This job strangles me. It destroys me. I will fight back hard from now on. I will not sacrifice my personal life like I did in 2013. Not even close.

I gotta get out. It is a poisoned environment. A meaningless job. A colossal waste of my life.

I am digging in hard, baby and swinging for the fences.

Yesterday was just one more piece of fierce inspiration.