Personal Assessment

I have been toying with this idea for a couple of weeks now. As part of year end, new year reflection.

Going back and forth trying to figure out the value of this exercise. I have been thinking about exposing my soul with brutal honesty, in here. To establish a baseline for change.

The time seems right. I am away from work for 8 more days. I feel like I have been viciously abused during this time and that it has caused me great harm. It has ended with me in physical as well as psychological distress.

I am raw. I cannot go on like this. I need to deal with myself.

This time that I have off is enormously important to me. I am dedicated to creating a clear path to job change and I am dedicated to beginning a process to change things about myself.

What follows is what I consider to be an honest assessment of me by me.

The bad stuff:

I am selfish. My Aunt Dina called me on my birthday and all I could think about was getting off the phone. She is in her mid eighties and has been on my side all my life, taking an interest in me and Carol and my sons and their women. Even as I recognized my selfishness during the conversation, still I could not wait to get off the phone. That is only one small example of hundreds I could unearth for you.

I am a coward. I avoid confrontation. I have adopted a life long "nice guy" personae that allows me to nod and smile as people say things that royally piss me off. A nice guy personae that I despise. As I am being nice I want to vomit because I do have strong opinions but I do not express them. I would rather let the idiots do the talking.

I have no self confidence. Absolutely none. So everything frightens me. I don't think I can handle anything or deal with anyone so I am always afraid and off balance.

I am lazy. I know in my soul that with maximum effort I can earn money from writing. But I don't put out the effort. I don't know why.

I am a lousy husband to my loving wife because I allow all my insecurities and personal drawbacks to affect our relationship. She gets my poison.

The good stuff:

I am an intelligent man. Above average. I can get smarter with more effort and then use my intelligence to improve my life. Knowledge is power.

I am passionate. Passion is the essence of life. Passion keeps you moving, it keeps you energized, it fans the spark in your soul to a flame that can burn your life through the world. My passion can get me anywhere I want to go. I have to be brave enough to use it.

I am sensitive. Extremely so. Sensitivity complements passion. Feeling is what life is all about. You have to feel life to experience life.

I am creative. I have a mind that sees things differently and the talent to express those thoughts. This is a gift, a supreme gift.

I have a sense of humor. Some call it dark. Doesn't matter. I can laugh. Laughter soothes the soul.

I am loving. I have an unlimited capacity to love.


I could go on with both the good and the bad but I think I got the important stuff down.

I have cut back on the drinking. A lot. High blood pressure did that but I find that I am comfortable with it. It is the right thing to do.

I will be seeing a psychiatrist soon. I am not smart enough to cut through all this on my own.

This break from work is a vacation. It is also my time to initiate change. Important changes that will positively impact my life.

I have said it before and failed.

This time it feels like the time is right.