OVM

I arrived one hour early for the follow up BP appointment yesterday.

One fucking hour. This is something I never do. NEVER.

The receptionist had to think I was insane. She said "Wow, you're early." I said "What do you mean?" She said "Your appointment is for 8:50 a.m. " I asked "Well what time is it?" She said "7:40."

I literally looked wild eyed at the clock. Being in that situation is so foreign to me I was just blown away. I had to look like Nicholson in "The Shining." Had to because I was completely disoriented.

This sums up perfectly where I am at physically and mentally. I am so tired and so constantly in pain that I am barely functioning.

I went to McDonald's for breakfast. Yeah, I know I could have done a lot better but I didn't have time for a comforting sit down. Besides I like the broken and lost feel of places like McDonald's at that time of day.

Lonely people sitting alone staring at computer screens or "smart" phones. People who give off the air of desperation. People who look like losers.

Might have looked that way myself, sitting there with what passes for breakfast in front of me.

Young idiot girl behind the counter was giving off that "I hate this job" vibe, not even trying to be pleasant.

I wanted to slap her in the face and say "Wait until you are sixty, sweetheart, and your dream is just a blurred vision off in the distance."

But I didn't. I took comfort instead in the knowledge that she would spend the next 40 years making wrong turns and backing herself into corners.

The ride to McDonald's was the thing.

Bruce Springsteen. "Tunnel Of Love".

"You've got to learn to live with what you can't rise above."

My head exploded.

I have never been able to learn to live with my life as it is. I have never been able to rise above it.

Hence the booze. The anxiety. The drugs. The pain. The sadness. The infamous "negative attitude."

Some people in the world "learn to live with." They accept life as it is. They give up.

I don't say that as critique. Life is impossible. Life is disappointing. It is too big, too heavy and we are too small. We cannot carry the burden, we cannot find a solution.

These people stagger through life like robots.

Some people "rise above."

These people set an example. People who wrestle with life and come out on top.

They comprise a vast minority.

The majority of humans exist in the middle. This is the population that requires booze and drugs. These are the people who beat their kids, their spouses, their pets, who abuse themselves. These are the people who commit crimes and kill love and revere suffering in others.

One more day. One more fucking day at The Asylum and then I am off for 10 days.

I have engineered for myself a vacation. Something that hasn't happened since 2005.

I feel like I am being spit out of a grinder. I have been beaten and mashed and tortured for 10 months running. I am desperate for a break.

The past month has been particularly difficult because of the pain and lack of sleep.

I don't take this lightly.

I won't be sleeping late. I won't be drinking.

I will be examining my life even as I take concrete steps to change it.

"You've got to learn to live with what you can't rise above."

Those words will be my Official Vacation Mantra. Otherwise known as OVM.

They will be my mantra because I will NEVER learn to live with my life as it is.

I refuse.

I absolutely fucking refuse.