Thursday, January 2, 2014

January 2, 2014

Now the hard part begins. Christmas. Gone. New Year's Day. Gone. My birthday. Gone.

Reality.

But yesterday was tasty. The Third Annual Second Actual Joe Testa Birthday Bash & Open House was a joy. Being surrounded by family and friends on a birthday is a warm feeling.

I had a surprise guest. The E Man. I worked with him at the other liquor store and we developed a close friendship. One based on honesty.

We are both ferociously emotional, completely insane, and brutally honest with each other. And we laugh together in genuine release. That is how a true friendship is built.

However he is a hermit. Never leaves the house. But he did for me, for my birthday, and I was so goddamn happy that he did.

Paula & Bill were here. My brother Ed. Karen and Jason. Keith and Emily. My lovely wife.

The only glaring absence belonged to Craig and Karen. But Craig worked New Year's Eve and had to work on New Year's Day as well. He called me before going to work and my heart was at peace.

One other important call. The first of the day, actually. Sarge. Carol's amazing brother who called to wish me a happy birthday and to tell me they would not be able to make it.

Carol's amazing brother who is going in for brain surgery on January 3rd. His second brain operation.

Carol's brother who responded to my whining at the end of 2012 about how shitty the year had been, a year in which he had his first battle with a brain operation, by saying "Why? Was it really that bad of a year?"

The man is a family icon, he is a rock, he is a fighter and he is real. We had a good conversation; it was a great way to start the day.

Life is all about quality people. You gotta start by being a quality person yourself. I am still working on this. But it helps to surround yourself with quality people.

Our home was filled with quality people yesterday. I got phone calls from quality people yesterday. An amazingly comforting and secure feeling.

There was a lot of laughter, a lot of conversation, closeness. I dug all that. My eyes were open. I took it all in.

I am raw this year. Wide open to input and hungry for change.

A couple of comments cut right to my soul and formed the impression of the day. Both concerned the same topic.

My negative attitude. I don't even remember what the first comment was or who said it, I only remember it was said jokingly, referring to my sour nature.

It did not bother me, but as I said, my mind is wide open to input towards change. I am trying to look at myself honestly and fix the broken stuff.

I made a mental note.

The day ended beautifully, with a conversation around the table including Carol, me and Eddie. Everyone else had gone home to the comfort of New Year's night.

We talked about a lot of stuff and the conversation was honest. This is what I love about family and friends, about quality people.

You get honesty.

At one point we were discussing the Great Blood Pressure Scandal and the Great Pinched Nerve in the Neck Scandal of yours truly. Talking about what I am dealing with and how I am dealing with it. Discussing cause and effect.

Edward looked me in the eye and said: "Part of the problem is your attitude. You gotta work on that."

He said it gently, he said it lovingly, he said it truthfully.

That's when my mind went off the charts. I don't like the fact that my family and probably my friends view me as a negative dude. I wrestle with this all the time.

Crossroads on CMT - Emmy Lou Harris and Mumford & Sons talking about sad songs. Talking about how you need sad songs to balance out reality. That it ain't all sunshine and roses. Emmy Lou said sad songs are not a bad thing. They are an honest thing. Or words to that effect.

This has been my argument all my life. I am not a negative person. I am a realist. Life is a frustrating, disappointing, indecipherable thing.

I cannot stand phony optimism. I would rather point out the dark.

Apparently I don't know where the line is separating truth from pessimism. And my family think of me as a negative guy.

It hurt me in a good way yesterday. It hit me more than ever (it's not like I haven't heard this before) because I am open to it. And because of the happiness of celebrating a birthday contrasted with the suddenness of my brain accepting something negative about myself.

The comment carried a lot of power coming from my brother. I respect him with awe, I love him unconditionally, I consider him to be a man any man would be smart to emulate.

He looked me right in the eye and spoke those words with love and care.

After everyone left I reached for a bag of ice. The neck was driving me crazy. Carol asked if it had been hurting all day.

I told her I didn't know how to answer that. I was trying to be the new non-negative me. I didn't want to go the typical and predictable "yeah I have been in pain all day and you better feel sorry for me" route. Told her I was on shaky ground as far as responding to that question.

I tried but failed. I got angry, I whined a bit, I sat with a bag of ice on my neck.

But I did try. There was a moment of clarity where I realized I had a choice.

Jason recently hurt his back. Severely. We have been with him many times since. Times when he played cards on his knees to relieve the pain, times when he took breaks to lie on his stomach to relieve the pain.

He did not complain. He laughed a lot. He mentioned the pain only in passing.

Apparently I am not a big enough man yet to handle pain and disappointment in that way.

But I have him as an example, I have the words of my family and friends as a reminder.

I have the words of my brother as a wake up call.

I am in the danger zone in my life. And it is not going well right now. Warning signs and reality bombs are dropping all around me.

A negative attitude is not going to help me.

Pretty good start to a new year, pretty good start to my 61st year on this planet, to realize something about myself that needs fixing. To admit to it.

I am so ready for 2014. So hungry for it.

I am severely lucky to have the family and friends that I do.

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