The 1% You'll Never Know

My philosophy with this blog is to give you 99% of myself.
The remaining 1% is so dark that if I put it into words your head would explode. Which I would find interesting to watch, by the way.
At some point in my life I adopted a nice guy persona. It was a hybrid expression of my approach to life. It avoids a lot of conflicts, and it also allows me to make the downtrodden feel better about themselves.
But at some point it just took over. I can't help myself. I slip into even when I do not want to slip into it.
I am in the process of trying to shatter this approach because I want an honest approach to life. The world needs to see a more truthful version of me. And I need it just so I can avoid or delay losing my mind. I'm tired of this charade.
I amuse myself because many times when I'm being nice (which is a wimpy word I despise) my mind is thinking horrific things. Very often I mumble evil words as people walk away from me. But only if they deserve it. And a lot of them do.
There's a woman named Carol who sees much more of the truth. She often shakes her head in disbelief and says "You are sick."
And even SHE is not privy to the 1%.
This truth exists for everyone. We all hide The Real behind The Charade. But I have noticed that most people are happy to go a lot farther than I am in being selfish and rude.
I need to get me more of that.
I also prefer to believe that my mind is twisted and venomous in ways that others just could not comprehend. I enjoy knowing that.
I could be wrong. Maybe all humans harbor strange thoughts. Socially unacceptable, poisonous thinking that would cause mass fainting and hysteria if exposed to the light of day.
Right now I feel like throwing myself into life with reckless abandon. Obviously my approach to life has gotten me nowhere. Broke and dancing on the end of marionette strings held by vultures who pursue agendas while advertising it as hope to me. Talk about bait and switch.
A little evil would be fun. A lot of evil would be even more fun.
I am toying with ideas. Playing around with concepts. Something's gotta give. Something's gotta change.
Kind of like that monster ripping out of Sigourney Weaver's body in Alien.
This could get messy.