My Name Is Ribald Classic

My name is Ribald Classic.  Shakespeare said “What’s in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet.” Shakespeare could write but I don’t think he had a firm grasp on the concept of marketing.

Change your name, change your life. A philosopher once told me that when I was particularly vulnerable and it made sense. He wasn’t really a philosopher, he was a grizzled drunk in a bar but I was OK with that. I have met many grizzled drunks with more wisdom and conscience than typical CEO’s.

Big bushy white beard, enormous beer belly and a backpack, sitting alone in a booth.  He had that look about him like he knew something, a kind of quiet dignity burning through the homeless persona. Everybody was lining up to talk to this guy and buy him drinks. The booze made me feel good, my life made me feel bad and I saw old white beard as the potential tie breaker. When my turn came I sat across from him, breathed through my mouth and aired out all the typical whiny complaints. I feel lost, feel like I am living someone else’s life, can’t seem to connect with my own soul, how can I turn my life around?

At first he sounded like Gabby Johnson from Blazing Saddles and I was royally pissed, but I hung in there out of sheer curiosity and through fierce concentration finally understood that he was telling me to change my name.

Disgusted at my own desperation I bought him a beer and stalked out of the bar.

Walking in the cold and feeling loose, my drunken advisor’s words made strange connections in my mind. In some ways your name defines you. Could changing it change my self- image and then dramatically alter the way I dealt with life? I was determined to find out and Ribald Classic was the ticket.

The next morning I went down to the courthouse, took care of business and was reborn. I knew things had changed when I bounded down the courthouse steps. I realized I had swagger. The first thing I did when I got home was stack all my Wayne Dyer books four feet high and light a joint from the flames.

I stopped driving a taxi and started working for a dance troupe, something I never had the guts to try before. Grew my hair long, bought new clothes, moved to a funky apartment. I could not believe life could fit so well; I wasn’t struggling against it anymore, I was flowing with it and the freedom was exhilarating.

In five years I went from making $14,500 in a taxi to making $75,000 as a choreographer. And I was dating some gorgeous women with the flexibility of gymnasts. No complaints.

The secret was so simple I felt invincible. Which is why I didn’t notice right away how the goddamn banks and politicians were destroying the economy and my life as they got rich. I was heavy into cocaine and booze at the time too which might also have made me slightly less alert, but you can’t blame a guy for taking the good life and cranking it up to the max. When I wasn’t looking, funding for the arts dried up and less and less people could afford to pay for theater tickets.

When I finally woke up it was too late. Everything was spiraling downward; dancers went back to waitressing and bartending, friends disappeared and I went back to invisibility.

The next few years were rough as I kept on sliding backwards in horrified disbelief. I changed my name twice to try to change my luck.  The first time to Rocky Ali.  Kind of a hybrid boxing name I thought would give me the toughness necessary to kick life in the ass. Instead I bounced from one ragged production to another for less and less money until I lost my apartment and ended up in a shelter. Apparently Rocky Ali was not quite the karma I was looking for.

I’m back to being a cabdriver again. It used to be when I felt abused or looked down upon, or felt like a loser, I imagined myself as Travis Bickle. That made me feel powerful, a lot more confidant.

I’ve been through a lot and learned some lessons, learned a lot about myself. I think I’m more realistic now. I just changed my name for the last time.

To Jim Ignatowski. You can call me the Reverend Jim if it makes you feel more comfortable.