Do I Suck?

I'm beginnning to think I do.

We moved to this quiet, hopeless town 36 years ago. When we did, we were folded into a circle of friends thanks to Carol. She threw herself into every activity and board and situation available. Which was very cool and very Carol. I was and am still proud of her. Everybody knew Carol and her husband.

We hung out with fun people - dances, parties, dinners. Time flies, friendships die. We see no one.

I ran into one from that crew a few years ago at the dump, where country folk go to meet and greet. JB. Great conversation, had him over for dinner, nice night. Subsequently he and I attended a blues show - Muddy Waters son, for Christ sake - can you dig it? Muddy Waters son.

The Capitol Center used to put on special concerts in a small and intimate room before the new venue opened - actually setting up folding chairs in this small space and providing a bartender. JB and I drank beer, talked, laughed and really connected through and dug the music.

I thought we had a great night. I thought I reconnected with someone I could do cool things with. Haven't seen him since. I contacted him about another show down the road, he said he was having a hard time psychologically and wasn't up for it. That was over a year and a half ago.

I used to hang with a guy many years ago - PW - we connected big time over football, booze and general insanity. Got together a lot. Time flies, friendship dies.

Found out a year ago that he had a heart attack - a fucking heart attack. He is 15 years younger than me.

I contacted him, we talked, it was good. I set us up with a blues show at the Capitol Center - a bigger deal, at the new venue. We drank beer, talked, laughed and really connected through and dug the music. Tommy Castro. Great show.

PW bought a t-shirt, a vinyl album, a CD for him and a CD for me. He got them all autographed by Tommy Castro in the lobby during a break. I thought we had a great night. I thought I reconnected with someone I could do cool things with. I haven't heard from him since. That was 8 months ago.

Do I suck?

I have to consider this. I see myself as someone cool, someone fun, someone who knows how to have a good time and help others have a good time. Have I lost that?

What the fuck is going on?

I used to say I had five friends I would trust with my life. Three of them are definitely off the list. That leaves Phil and my brother. Lately I am not even sure about them.

Have I been counting my friends on a hand of amputated fingers?

I wear unhappiness like a glove. I ooze it, I can't hide it, it is in my speech, in my attitude, in my approach to life, and in my eyes. Especially in my eyes. You can smell it on me.

Perhaps this repulses people.

If it does, I find that ironic. I am just being honest. Everybody is unhappy. Everyone else just sugarcoats it with mindless cliches, lies, and bad acting.

Of course I wasn't always this way, when I actually nurtured hope. Maybe the change is too much for the delicate people in my life.

Thankfully, I have hardened. I don't need friends. I could fucking care less if every fun thing I do from here on out, I do alone.

Thankfully, I have family to do fun things with - I can count on them. They don't jump ship.

But as for the others, fuck 'em.

If they can't see the worth in a night out with me, let them cower in their dank caves, by the light of one pathetically small and flickering candle, gnawing on rancid meat that is minimally tenderized by their tears.

May their fun rot in death.