Oh My god, Am I Fucking Tired

I am so fucking tired I am practically dizzy.

I am sitting here right now and I can't focus, can't concentrate, can't think - I am operating erratically and feel like a torture victim who has been kept awake for two motherfucking weeks by vindictive nuns.

The sleep "pattern" has changed recently. I know what it is.

2022 is coming to an end. A year I pissed away. My brain is tortured. Twisting in disappointment and fear. 

For a while there I was in an unfamiliar situation where I could fall asleep fairly quickly (for me) after going to the bathroom at 4 am. I chalked it up to being old and beat down but, what the fuck, it was better than staring at the ceiling. I rolled with it and dug it.

Don't get me wrong. It did nothing for fatigue. I was still tired all the time, as I have been for the last 275 years, but at least it reduced the time my brain could use to mock me.

But this is something different. I feel like I am in a waking coma. I go to bed at midnight, wake up at 4 or 5 to piss, and lie in bed awake until I stagger up around 6:30 or 7:00. Weird thing is, as I lie there I am perfectly comfortable. Perfectly.

I think,"this feels nice. I will regulate my breathing, stay calm and fall asleep."

No dice.

At the end of 2021 I was feeling pretty good about myself. Uncharacteristically and amazingly so. Shit, it felt good and I felt good. I had done a lot of work on my brain and it was paying off.

Some quotes from the blog at the end of last year:

"I am poised to be happy in 2022. I want to use that happiness as a weapon to make Carol happy."

"2022 is going to be a big year for me. Possibly the year I have hungered for, for decades."

"January 1, 2022 will be a day to celebrate the triumphs of 2021, and to set the table for the future triumphs of 2022."

2022 has been a huge pile of shit.

And my mind is wrestling with that truth whether I want it to or not - I cannot shut the fucking thing down. And it is torturing me and robbing me of any meaningful rest. Or peace.

This is not the triumphant end to 2022 that I envisioned last year.

It truly fucking sucks.

And it hurts.