Wake Up, Shithead

Thinking about heavy shit lately, and being emotionally affected by outside influences.

Two things to consider:

Last weekend I watched the entire first season of And Just Like That, with Carol. Sequel to Sex and the City.

Big dies in the first episode. He dies, for Christ sake. I liked Big. He was the cool rich guy I want to be. His death hangs over the entire first season.

It got to me. Here's why. I have been randomly having the thought recently that at some point one of us - Carol or me - are going to have to learn to live without the other. It's coming.

Oddsmakers advise you to bet heavily - everything you got - on Carol outliving me. It's a rational bet with little downside.

Except for the capriciousness of life. What if she goes first? It could happen. It would be the most unfair thing to happen ever in the entire recorded history of mankind but........................

Big's death hung over the entire first season like the heaviest of fogs. How Carrie dealt with it, how her friends dealt with it, the effects, the after-effects, the ripple-effects, the pain, the emptiness, the loss - it felt pretty real.

Carol can survive without me. I cannot survive without Carol. I am self-destructive. I would self-destruct.

1) Beyond that, being alone, after loving her for over 45 years, being alone without her laugh, her positive atttitude, her toughness, her fierce determination to be exactly who she is no matter what.............I would have a better chance of surviving without food than without Carol.

 Do not read the following if you plan to watch this movie:

2) We watched a movie yesterday - Don't Look Up - a quirky movie with some big names in it with a decidedly unhappy ending. It shits on the current political climate in this world, against a backdrop of a comet heading towards earth that will destroy this world. Which it does.

In the final scene, Leonardo DiCaprio is having dinner with family and friends, in full knowledge that the comet is about to hit. An emotional scene, a "one last chance at togetherness" scene that really hits home.

As the house is beginning to shake, as glasses and dishes rattle on the table, as the world begins to end, DiCaprio says : "We really did have everything, didn't we? I mean, when you think about it."

That comment, and the fact that Carol or I will have to learn to live alone - is crushing me.

Living alone, for obvious reasons.

DiCaprio's comment, because I continue to wallow in pettiness, and fucking waste the precious little time I have left with Carol when, in reality, I really do have everything, don't I?

I am fucking determined to wake up.