What The Fuck Is Wrong With Me?

I have never owned a house.

I have lived in two. The bank owned them - they let me live there as long as I paid them every month. And behaved.

I have never owned a house outright. I call them "house" because it is not a home unless you own it.

What the fuck is up with that? I have spent 43 years living in these houses. Houses that belonged to the bank - many banks, actually. These fuckers trade mortgages like baseball cards. No rhyme or reason, no consideration for the occupant. They forced me to scamper around like a cockroach exposed to the light so I could keep making mortgage payments. Not dignified at all.

43 years living in other peoples' houses, basically paying "rent", since I could never finalize the purchase.

Not much of a legacy.

"I am not even close to the guy I thought I'd turn out to be" - Tommy "Birdman" Rowland from the movie Beautiful Girls.

I come back to this quote time and time again (no solutions, remember?)

20 or 30 years ago I would have predicted that, at the age of 68, I would be fully and comfortably retired. Plenty of money in the bank, no worries, a lifetime of accomplishments to gloat back upon, peace of mind, living free and easy and enjoyably. With earned respect.

The reality?

I work a humiliating part-time job. I will die working that humiliating part-time job because we will never sell this house and we will never stop paying for it.

I eat Spam, cat food, and no name potato chips. When I really want a treat, I indulge in beef jerky. The chewy, tasteless kind.

I drink Natty Lite and Ten High bourbon.

Twice a year Carol and I go out for pizza.

I drive a 2020 Hyundai Elantra. I will be driving the same 2020 Hyundai Elantra in 2035.

I wear baggy pants and non-descript shirts.

I sleep like shit, every part of my body hurts, and I am 25 pounds overweight.

I watch daytime Soaps and read True Crime magazine.

But, what the hell, I gave it a shot. Right?

And it's not over, right? I am still alive. I can still turn this thing around.

I believe the captain of the Titanic said the same thing.