Lunch Was A Success! (Imagine My Relief)

A triumph, my dear - a triumph.

I expected to be scorned. 

I am the only one of my very intelligent friends who is not retired. The only one working a menial, soul-sucking job. The only one experiencing financial insecurity and uncertainty - the only one chained to a disaster of a house that sucks money out of the bank like a fucking vacuum cleaner and kills hope every second of every day.

I thought they would pelt me with rotten apples. Laugh as the rotted fruit and rancid juice ran down my face. Pin my wrists to the table when I tried to wipe off my shame, as they said in unison and menacingly "Let it drip, Loser."

Instead there were hugs all around. Many hugs. Heartfelt. Conversation, laughter, great food. 

The restaurant we met at is owned by my friend Bobby's son - Matt. Great chef. Fucking food was amazing. We got there at 12:00. We left at 3:15. Stood in the parking lot at noon shooting the shit - it was a beautiful day. Wandered in and shot the shit. Ordered food and shot the shit. Hung around and shot the shit.

We did not want to leave. Did not want it to end. A palpable sense of connection, respect and love.

After the lunch rush it was just me, my four old friends and Matt, who joined us in conversation.

Such a pleasant moment. Such a meaningful visit. Like a scene out of a movie. A movie titled "Five Friends & a Son."

I have known these guys for over 50 years. Our friendship survives over 5 decades, and remains warm and comfortable and comforting. And we laugh. We make each other laugh. That is fucking key, brother. We laughed so much together yesterday that you could even have assumed that I was happy.

I drifted apart from them for a long time - they stayed in touch with each other, but I did not make the effort. Tough to make the effort when you spend every single day for decades crawling, fighting and begging, struggling so hard to make sense out of life, make the right moves, get yourself to happy. Until you realize one day that you did it all wrong. Made all the wrong decisions, took all the wrong paths.

We met at Jim's house last summer - I was blown away. Carol and I went out to dinner with Jim and Jan last summer - I was blown away. We met yesterday - I was blown away.

These are the ones. The five. No amputated fingers on this hand. I felt it like one who knows. You know a situation is right when you feel it deep inside you, when you can't put it into words, when it is not just in your head. When it hits you like a sunset.

Bobby, Barry, Ed, Jim and Dave. Dave was not there yesterday - he lives in Virginia. 

We were quite a crew in high school. Extremely insane and extremely intelligent; a very healthy mix.

At time of departure we agreed "We have to do this together again soon." We said that last summer and nothing happened. So I took it upon myself to promise to send out reminder texts for the next gathering, which will happen the first week of December. 

This is so unlike me. Organizing people is a royal pain in the ass. I avoid it. But I will do it for these guys because we are talking about my soul here. My survival. Revival. Happiness. PEACE.

It will happen. Because I will make it happen. I have awakened like a man from a lifelong coma. The value of these friendships transcends time, disease (many of us are sick), heartbreak, and the fucking bile that life piles upon out heads.

For over three hours yesterday I was completely comfortable in the company of men I knew when they were fifteen years old. Awkward, unsure, confused, insane, fun and intelligent. There is not one stupid person in the Circle of Six.

We are 68 years old now, ragged, and we have fought our battles. The scars are evident. Ed has it the worst - melanoma that has spread - spots on the brain, spots in the lungs - endless MRI's, treatments, ups and downs.

Know what Ed did yesterday? He laughed. He fucking laughed. And made us laugh.

Our friendship is so powerful it made him forget about cancer for a while.

I am approaching the end of another wasted year. I am approaching the end of my life. I remain unhappy. I am afraid. I am lost.

And I am overwhelmed. Overwhelmed by the solace these guys deliver. I will take every chance I get to be with them.

I love them.